Amy Schumer Quotes

“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and sh*t to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story — I will.

I will speak and share and f*ck and love, and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself.”

“I'm not bulletproof, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. As women, we relive our fears all the time, despite our best efforts to build each other up and truly love ourselves. It happens.”

“The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.”

“As women, most interactions from around age eight on teach us to keep things cool so no one is inspired to, God forbid, call us the U or F words: 'ugly' or 'fat'.

I’m not the first to point out how women are taught that our value comes from how we look, and that it takes a lifetime (or at least until menopause) for most women to undo this awful lie.”

“Being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy. It means you enjoy being alone. Not just enjoy it – you need it.

If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them – like the sun.

They give you life, sure, but they can also burn you and you will get that wrinkly Long Island cleavage you've always been afraid of...”

“Don't be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. I'll be there too, but I promise not to bother you.”

“Enough with these wafish elves walking your impossible clothing down an ugly runway with ugly lighting and noisy music. Life doesn’t look like that runway. Let’s see some *ss up there and not just during the specially themed plus size show.

We girls over size 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, we don’t want a special day! We want every day and we want you to get out of our f*cking way because we are already here. You are living in the past, all you dated, strange magazines representing the weird fashion world that presents bizarre clothing that no one I have ever met wears.”

“Everyone’s parents have f*cked them up in one way or another. This is part of the natural order. It’s the circle of life. Mothers are people — not angels from heaven or Ex Machina error-free service bots.

Just because they pushed you out of their vag*nal canals does not mean they have all (or any) of the answers. Before they had you, they were flailing around like idiots, just like you are right now. My point is, they are just people. Most likely extraordinarily flawed people.”

“I am not special just because I’m famous right now.”

“I can stand onstage all night talking to thousands of people about my most vulnerable and private feelings — like my thoughts on the last guy who was inside me, or the fact that I eat like the glutton in the movie Se7en when I’m drunk. But I really don’t do as well at parties or gatherings where I feel like I am obligated to be more 'social'.”

“I don't even want to know someone who isn't barely hanging on by a thread.”

“I don't know how introverts survived without the Internet. Or with the Internet. Actually, I don't know how we survive at all. It feels impossible.”

“I got out of the shower and stopped to look at myself in the mirror. I looked blotchy and messy and not at all like those girls in magazines. But I was still f*cking beautiful.

I'm a real woman who digests her meals and breaks out and has sweet little pockets of cellulite on her upper thighs that she's not apologising for. Because guess what, we all have that sh*t. We're all human beings.”

“I have a two-headed bear that I never named. It was a gift from an ex-boyfriend. It was a pretty perfect gift. Soft and disturbing, which is how I would describe myself. I still have it.”

“I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they'll never make it to the next level.”

“I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them. They make me human.”

“I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster’s in Cincinnati.”

“I'm mad because girls as young as eight years old are being shamed about their bodies. Fifth graders go on diets and admire Instagram pics of celebs in waist trainers. Some of the people I'm closest to have struggled with eating disorders.

I'm mad at an industry that suggests that painfully thin is the only acceptable way to be. Please don't get on me for skinny shaming. If that's how you are shaped, God bless, but we gotta mix it up, because it's upsetting and confusing to women with other body types.”

“I'm sure in the past I've said marriage is stupid. Marriage makes someone sign a contract promising something they really can't deliver. I'm sure I will again say marriage is dumb. But I can also imagine why it could be lovely. There's something beautiful about truly being there for another person.”

“I’m a flawed f*ckup and I haven’t figured anything out, so I have no wisdom to offer you.”

“I’m glad I struggled. I think I’d be an *sshole if my money were anything other than the “new” kind.”

“I’m of the belief that in most industries, women have to work twice as hard to get half the credit. After putting in so much effort to make a good movie, it felt pretty demeaning when they called it a 'female comedy'. This meaningless label painted me into a corner and forced me to speak for all females, because I am the actual female who wrote the female comedy and then starred as the lead female in that female comedy.

They don’t ask Seth Rogen to be all men! They don’t make 'men’s comedies'. They don’t ask Ben Stiller: Hey, Ben, what was your message for all male-kind when you pretended to have diarrhea and chased that ferret in 'Along Came Polly'?”

“In fourth grade, I had a talk with the school psychologist about all the things that actively terrified me. After our session, he handed my mom a list of all my fears.

Highest (and most memorable) on the list was the specific fear that I'd accidentally churn myself into butter. This was inspired by a creepy antique children's book called 'Little Black Sambo', which is one of those stories from the simpler, more racist times of yore when people wrote frightening, insulting tales to help children fall asleep at night. It was highly popular back in the day and has since been rightly banned or taken out of circulation. But my mom had a copy lying around.

It's about a boy who goes on an adventure and ends up getting chased by tigers, who circle and circle around a tree so fast that they churn themselves into a pool of butter, which the boy then takes home for his mother to use to make pancakes. Like ya do. Anyway, I was always riddled with fear that I'd somehow be transformed into melted butter, which now doesn't really sound like that much of a bummer. It sounds more like how I'd like to spend my last twenty-four hours on this earth.”

“Ironically, the tattoo represents the opposite for me today. It reminds me that it's important to let yourself be vulnerable, to lose control and make a mistake. It reminds me that, as Whitman would say, I contain multitudes and I always will.

I'm a level-one introvert who headlined Madison Square Garden – and was the first woman comic to do so. I'm the 'overnight success' who's worked her ass off every single waking moment for more than a decade. I used to shoplift the kind of clothing that people now request I wear to give them free publicity.

I'm the 'sl*t' or 'sk*nk' who's only had one one-night stand. I'm a ‘plus-size’ 6 on a good day, and a medium-size 10 on an even better day. I've suffered the identical indignities of slinging rib eyes for a living and hustling laughs for cash.

I'm a strong, grown-*ss woman who's been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by men and women I trusted and cared about. I've broken hearts and had mine broken, too.

Beautiful, ugly, funny, boring, smart or not, my vulnerability is my ultimate strength. There's nothing anyone can say about me that's more permanent, damaging, or hideous than the statement I have forever tattooed upon myself. I'm proud of this ability to laugh at myself — even if everyone can see my tears, just like they can see my dumb, senseless, whack, lame lower back tattoo.”

“Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?”

“Isn’t it sad that when a girl says she was sexually assaulted, our first instinct is to think she’s probably lying? Statistics and facts tell us the exact opposite. We demand 'perfect victims' who better not have been drinking or hanging out at a party in a short skirt or revealing dress or have ever been known to enjoy sex.”

“It's hard out there for a fuzzy little introvert.”

“Just because my job requires me to make fun of myself into a microphone and wear my heart on my sleeve for hire dosn’t mean I can’t be an introvert as well.

Believe it or not, I do have a complex inner life just like you, and I enjoy being alone. I need it. And I’ve never been happier than I was when I finally figured this out about myself.”

“Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?”

“Love yourself! You don’t need a man or a boy or a self-proclaimed love expert to tell you what you’re worth. Your power comes from who you are and what you do! You don't need all that noise, that constant hum in the background telling you whether or not you're good enough.

All you need is you, your friends, and your family. And you will find the right person for you, if that's what you want – the one who respects your strength and beauty.”