Amy Schumer Quotes Page 2

“My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.”

“People often romanticize children or adults with special needs, as if they are innocent-yet-wise creatures who can humble us all into becoming better humans.

First of all, nobody can be innocent and wise at the same time. That’s another one of those impossible combinations. It’s as unachievable and improbable as Brenda. Or Carli.

And secondly, I’m not suggesting the ladies of Camp Anchor were either one of those things in particular. But they owned their own flaws, and I am grateful I got to meet them when I was only fourteen. I left camp knowing a bunch of women who weren’t afraid to claim the guy they wanted to dance with; they didn’t change a thing for the men they loved.”

“So if you’re an introvert like me, especially a female introvert, or a person who is expected to give away your energy to everyone else on the reg, I want to encourage you to find time to be alone.

Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. I’ll be there too, but I promise not to bother you.”

“So much has changed about me since I was that confident, happy girl in high school. In the years since then, I've experienced a lot of desperation and self-doubt, but in a way, I've come full circle.

I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I'll speak and share and f*ck and love, and I will never apologise for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.”

“Social media is a great tool for all of us introverts and decent people alike as it speeds up the time between thinking someone is great and realizing they’re the worst.”

“Sometimes I want to quit – not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air after reading a mean Twitter comment and say: All right, you got me. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I don't deserve love. I have no right to use my voice. I will start wearing a burka and move to a small town upstate and wait tables at a pancake house.”

“The saddest revelation I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people.”

“There are lots of 'firsts' like this in life, little flashpoints here and there when you’re unknowingly becoming a woman. And it’s not the clichéd sh*t, like when you have your first kiss or drive your first car.

You become a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at a diner, or when you first realize your parents are full of sh*t. You become a woman the first time you get fitted for a bra and realize you’ve been wearing a very wrong size your whole f*cking life. You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend. The first time your heart breaks. The first time you break someone else’s heart. The first time someone you love dies. The first time you lie and make yourself look bad so a friend you love can look better.

And less dramatic things are meaningful too, like the first time a guy tries to put a finger in your *ss. The first time you express the reality that you don’t want that finger in your *ss. That you really don’t want anything in your *ss at all. Or to have any creative, adventurous sex for that matter. That you just want to be f*cked missionary sometimes and without any nonsense.

You will remember all these moments later as the moments that made you the woman you are. Everyone tells you it happens when you get your first period, but really it happens when you insert your first tampon and teach your best friend to do the same.”

“We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can.”

“What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this 'problem' for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it.”

“Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas.

But when we do not fulfill this expectation (because we are introverted) people assume we must be either depressed or a c*nt.”