Anthony Jeselnik Quotes Page 2

“In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.”

“It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, 'I need you guys'. I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.”

“Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.”

“Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?”

“My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. Oh my god, that f*cking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.”

“My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.”

“My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.”

“On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.”

“On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.”

“One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy – I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.”

“People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.”

“Silence means the audience are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.”

“That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.”

“The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.”

“The one thing I've found you really can't joke about – and people think it's death or something – is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.”

“The world is full of horrible things...”

“There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.”

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”

“When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.”

“Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.”

“Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don't have to tell her about my herpes.”

“Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious – nobody saw me.”

“You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.”

“You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.”