Benny Hill Quotes

Best 30 Quotes by Benny Hill

“A man who fails is funny. If my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and a delusion. What's so corrupting about that?”

“A nudist from Notting Hill Gate, was pushed into a pond by his mate, a tiddler swam by and said with a sigh "Will you look what they're using for bait.”

“Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason... Now I have a reason.”

“Did you hear about the actress who was so dumb, she couldn’t count to two without taking off her blouse?”

“Do unto others, then run.”

“Don't put off till tomorrow what you could do today because if you do it today and you like it you can do it again tomorrow.”

“Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.”

“Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?”

“I call one of my dogs greyhound on a account he's the grayest. I call another dog happy on account he's the gayest. I call the big dog meanie on a account he's the meanest. And I call the pup Liberace on a account he's the peein'est!.”

“I changed my name to Leslie Hill, only that seemed more like a cocktail pianist. Eventually, being an admirer of Jack Benny, I took his name.”

“I don't covet images or belongings. My television set and video are rented, any paintings aren't worth a fortune, and money is of little interest.”

“I don't do something I won't enjoy just for the money. I do it for the fun, for the joy of working.”

“I have a mental age of about 17. Far too young for marriage.”

“I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell.”

“I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.”

“I used to watch all these great fat women in the audience laughing at the comic, and I would think how wonderful it would be to be that man. He was surrounded by pretty girls, he obviously got more money than anyone else, and everyone loved him.”

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“I used to go to the stables and fool with the mules. My mother lived in constant fear that I might be brought home with a hoof print on my stomach.”

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“I'm not against half naked girls – not as often as I'd like to be.”

“I'm single. I don't have a family. I certainly don't have to work. I don't want to be the richest man in the cemetery.”

“If you can mix glamor and gags, then you can catch the audience twice over.”

“Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.”

“Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.”

“Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.”

“She has a black belt in cookery—she can kill you with one chop.”

“That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.”

“The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.”

“The pen is mightier than the sword - It's also easier to write with!”

“Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.”

“Why do cemeteries have walls?
It's queer without a doubt.
The people outside don't want to get in.
And the people inside surely can't get out.”

“Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy? ”

“You only write what you know about.”

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“I love walking in the rain because no one can see me crying.”

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