Bill Burr Quotes

“A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small.”

“A plumber doesn't change the way he plumbs when he has a kid. You're a comedian. This is your style.”

“Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups.”

“As far as my mindset changing, I see myself having more empathy in my older age.”

“Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.”

“Being a stand-up comic, this isn't a stepping-stone for me; it's what I do, and this is what I'm always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.”

“Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It's not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it's a pile of rocks next to a highway. There's actually a highway right next to it, but you don't see that in pictures.”

“Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.”

“Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.”

“God's everywhere, but I gotta go down to church to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?”

“Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!”

“Having a d*ck is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their d*ck? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other f*cking month. Why doesn't it have D*ck Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.”

“I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous.”

“I can't quite remember who I voted for president. It wasn't Trump or Hillary, though. I didn't like either one of them.”

“I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it's good.”

“I don't think that hard about why people come out to my shows or trying to influence them or anything. I'm just happy that they show up.”

“I gotta be honest with you. I'm kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?”

“I have friends in this business who put pictures of their kids on Facebook. That's not something I would do.”

“I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most s*distic people.”

“I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.”

“I like finding stuff that I suck at and trying to get better. So I'm taking classes, getting myself comfortable in an acting scene. You've got to work out those ticks. For instance, standing up used to be really hard for me. I act much better if I'm sitting down.”

“I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I'm good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to kill myself.”

“I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle.”

“I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I'm a great guy.”

“I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it's that same fear.”

“I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories.”

“I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.”

“I think it's hilarious the way Obama is depicted post-presidency. He's always kayaking or playing jai alai like he's some retired athlete or something. Like he wasn't doing the exact same thing everybody else was doing.”

“I think some people really change when they become a dad. Like, I've changed in different ways. I – but, like, my comedy hasn't changed. And I've also seen people do that where you become this – you become a dad, and then all of a sudden, you're trying to be a role model.”

“I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don't know where it's going.”