Bill Burr Quotes Page 2


 
Pages

Best 58 Quotes by Bill Burr – Page 2 of 2

“I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what's bugging me.”

“I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.”

“I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.”

“I'm trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I've done enough of that in my career.”

“If everybody's conversations were recorded, would anyone have a job on Monday?”

“If you do live shows long enough as a comedian, you can still hear that rhythm of laughing. It's ingrained in you, and it's not something you can really teach somebody. It comes from doing hours and hours and hours and years and decades on stage, performing in front of live crowds.”

“If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you're from and some of the thought processes. Like when I finally got away from the east coast for a while, and I came back there was just this underlying anger that I never noticed before, because I was born there and just dropped right into it.”

“It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio system the performer was a bit of an afterthought. You can be a wildcard on the internet. But if you put something on the internet once it's out there it's out there for life.”

“It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers f*ck up your 401k, ya know? Then you come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like, 'No dude, YOU are f*cking awesome!'”

“Money can set you free or imprison you.”

“My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.”

“Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.”

“People focus too much on whether there's a Democrat or a Republican in office. It's not like this guy Kim-Jong Un got into power the second Trump got into power. It's not like he wasn't a problem. It's not like we haven't had warmongers. It's not like corporations haven't been the main influence on what we're doing around the world.”

“Podcasting is great. Total freedom.”

“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.”

“Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he's like, 'Umm, I'm taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate's, like, half Afghani, so it's going to cause some static.”

You Might Like

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f*ck.”


More quotes by George Carlin

“The word 'ranting' is kind of overused now. Literally, if you just talk about a subject for 30 seconds or more, even if you never raised your voice, if I just talk about it, it's called a rant.”

“There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career – it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.”

“There is NO reason to hit a woman!”

“There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio – I don't know that guy.”

“Three out of four marriages end in failure. If you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes won't open, would you still jump?”

“When was the last time your d*ck came up with a good plan? Oh, it's got some great ideas, but when was the last time it came up with a good plan beyond 'Do it'? That's your d*ck's entire plan: "Do it." Forget preparation, forget looking for possible pitfalls, forget everything. If your *ick were a person, it would be on America's Dumbest Criminals.”

“You have no idea how long a year is until you're stone sober.”

“You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can't believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.”

“You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like: You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.”

“You probably need 1/10 of the world's population for us to continue to exist. There's just too many damn people. You have to somehow get us from 7 billion people to... I don't know what the magic number is, but I imagine at some point, that will happen. And I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm making the cut.”

“You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards – just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.”

“Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.”

You Might Like

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”


More quotes by George Carlin

 
Pages