Bill Hicks Quotes

“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”

“I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.”

“I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.”

“I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit… left chocolate eggs in the night.”

“I’m not what you’d call a heavy smoker. I only get through two lighters a day.”

“It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.”

“Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.”

“Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks – you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f*cking cross?”

“Nonsmokers – this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little f*cking bubble of yours? And you know what doctors say? “Shit, if only you smoked – we’d have the technology to help you.” It’s you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man: oxygen tent, iron lung.”

“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty f*cking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”

“There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.”

“Why is pot against the law? It wouldn’t be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can’t make a profit off it, would it?”

“You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day.” Yeah, looks like he rushed it.”

“You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You’ve all seen it: “Today a young man on acid… thought he could fly… jumped out of a building… what a tragedy!” What a d*ck. He’s an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don’t see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the f*cking ground. He’s an idiot. He’s dead. Good! We lost a moron? F*cking celebrate! There’s one less moron in the world.”