Billy Connolly Quotes

“A fart is just your *rse applauding.”

“All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the *rse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”

“Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.”

“As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.”

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”

“Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.”

“Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?”

“Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.”

“F*ck the begrudgers.”

“Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”

“Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.”

“I don't aim to offend.”

“I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.”

“I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.”

“I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.”

“I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.”

“I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”

“I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.”

“I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.”

“I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.”

“I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.”

“I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.”

“I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.”

“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”

“I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.”

“I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.”

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

“It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.”

“Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!”