Bo Burnham Quotes

“Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.”

“Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.”

“For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African. They eat pennies.”

“I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited p*ssy.”

“I mast*rbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.”

“I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.”

“I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.”

“If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.”

“If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?”

“Is there anything better than p*ssy? Yeah, a really good book.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.”

“No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.”

“Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.”

“Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.”

“Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.”

“The average person has one Fallopian tube.”

“Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.”

“Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.”

“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

“What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.”