Bob Monkhouse Quotes

“Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.”

“How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?”

“I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”

“I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn’t a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.”

“I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.”

“I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.”

“My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.”

“Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?”

“Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.”

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now.”

“They say such lovely things about people at their funerals, it’s a shame I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”

“What do gardeners do when they retire?”

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”

“When the doctor broke the news that I had cancer, I said, “Tell me straight, Doc, how long do I have?” He said, “Ten…” I said, “Ten what? Years, months, weeks?” He said, “9, 8, 7…”