Bob Monkhouse Quotes

Who is Bob Monkhouse?

Robert Alan Monkhouse was an English entertainer and comedian.

Born June 01, 1928
Died December 29, 2003

Books by Bob Monkhouse


Best 14 Quotes by Bob Monkhouse

“Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.”

Bob Monkhouse

“How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?”

Bob Monkhouse

“I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”

Bob Monkhouse

“I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn’t a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.”

Bob Monkhouse

“I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.”

Bob Monkhouse

“I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.”

Bob Monkhouse

“My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.”

Bob Monkhouse

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“Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?”

Bob Monkhouse

“Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.”

Bob Monkhouse

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now.”

Bob Monkhouse

“They say such lovely things about people at their funerals, it’s a shame I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”

Bob Monkhouse

“What do gardeners do when they retire?”

Bob Monkhouse

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”

Bob Monkhouse

“When the doctor broke the news that I had cancer, I said, “Tell me straight, Doc, how long do I have?” He said, “Ten…” I said, “Ten what? Years, months, weeks?” He said, “9, 8, 7…”

Bob Monkhouse

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“On-set pranks should always be done while the cameras are rolling so that victims can’t retaliate.”


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