Chris Rock Quotes

Who is Chris Rock?

Christopher Julius Rock is a brilliant American stand-up comedian.

Born February 07, 1965

Books by Chris Rock


Best 74 Quotes by Chris Rock

“A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!”

Chris Rock

“A bunch of girls say, ‘You don’t need no man to help you raise no child’ … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!”

Chris Rock

“A man is basically as faithful as his options.”

Chris Rock

“A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.”

Chris Rock

“Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.”

Chris Rock

“All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?”

Chris Rock

“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”

Chris Rock

“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”

Chris Rock

“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club.”

Chris Rock

“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”

Chris Rock

“Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!”

Chris Rock

“Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.”

Chris Rock

“Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person.”

Chris Rock

“Funny is only something that others know about you — you can’t be funny by yourself.”

Chris Rock

“Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.”

Chris Rock

“Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”

Chris Rock

“I ain’t shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war’s over, I’ll be the faggot with two legs.”

Chris Rock

“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”

Chris Rock

“I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.”

Chris Rock

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”

Chris Rock

“I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.”

Chris Rock

Products by Chris Rock

“I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.”

Chris Rock

“I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.”

Chris Rock

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”

Chris Rock

“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.”

Chris Rock

“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.”

Chris Rock

“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!”

Chris Rock

“It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!”

Chris Rock

“It’s hard for a man to turn down sex… if they chase us, we can’t run that fast.”

Chris Rock

“Listen to people that are smarter than you.”

Chris Rock

“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, ‘I was at Kevin’s house!’ A woman lie is like, ‘It’s your baby!’”

Chris Rock

“Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.”

Chris Rock

“Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.”

Chris Rock

“No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.”

Chris Rock

“Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.”

Chris Rock

“Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, "Where my check?”

Chris Rock

“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”

Chris Rock

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

Chris Rock

“Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”

Chris Rock

“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a fucking window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’”

Chris Rock

“People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That’s just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.”

Chris Rock

“People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, 'Red meat will kill you?' Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!”

Chris Rock

Products by Chris Rock

“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.”

Chris Rock

“So you gotta look at OJ's situation. He's paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he's still paying the mortgage on. Now I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I understand.”

Chris Rock

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

Chris Rock

“There are only three things that women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

Chris Rock

“There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some spam.”

Chris Rock

“Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.”

Chris Rock

“We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence.”

Chris Rock

“We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”

Chris Rock

“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.”

Chris Rock

“What's in the tea?
- Water, bitch!”

Chris Rock

“When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy because ‘sacrifice‘ infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.”

Chris Rock

“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”

Chris Rock

“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”

Chris Rock

“Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!”

Chris Rock

“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!”

Chris Rock

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

Chris Rock

“Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!”

Chris Rock

“Women would rule the world – if only they’d stop bitchin’ about each other.”

Chris Rock

“Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?”

Chris Rock

“You are in a competition… Every room you’re in, you’re competing with the people that played that room and you have to be at least as good as the other people that played that room.”

Chris Rock

“You can be anything you’re good at.”

Chris Rock

Products by Chris Rock

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”

Chris Rock

“You can only offend me if you mean something to me.”

Chris Rock

“You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.”

Chris Rock

“You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.”

Chris Rock

“You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!”

Chris Rock

“You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!”

Chris Rock

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

Chris Rock

“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!”

Chris Rock

“You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.”

Chris Rock

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”

Chris Rock

“When you’ve got a career, there ain’t enough time in the day. When you’ve got a job. There’s too much time.”

Chris Rock