Chris Rock Quotes

“A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!”

“A bunch of girls say, ‘You don’t need no man to help you raise no child’ … shut the f*ck up with the bullsh*t! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Sh*t, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good f*cking idea!”

“A man is basically as faithful as his options.”

“A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.”

“Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.”

“All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's p*ssy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a p*ssy in Detroit?”

“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”

“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”

“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club.”

“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”

“Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullsh*t! Be a f*cking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some sh*t I'm conservative about, I've got some sh*t I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!”

“Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.”

“Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person.”

“Funny is only something that others know about you — you can’t be funny by yourself.”

“Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.”

“Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”

“I ain’t shooting nobody, so call me a f*ggot. When the war’s over, I’ll be the f*ggot with two legs.”

“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”

“I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the f*cking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.”

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”

“I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.”

“I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you f*cked up.”

“I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.”

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”

“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.”

“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.”

“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!”

“It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're f*cking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!”

“It’s hard for a man to turn down sex… if they chase us, we can’t run that fast.”

“Listen to people that are smarter than you.”