Chris Rock Quotes Page 2

Books by Chris Rock


Best 74 Quotes by Chris Rock – Page 2 of 3

“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, ‘I was at Kevin’s house!’ A woman lie is like, ‘It’s your baby!’”

“Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.”

“Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those n*ggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.”

“No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.”

“Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.”

“Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. F*ck you, m*therf*ck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, "Where my check?”

“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”

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“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

“Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”

“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f*cking window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’”

“People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That’s just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.”

“People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, 'Red meat will kill you?' Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!”

“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.”

“So you gotta look at OJ's situation. He's paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got another man driving around in his car and f*cking his wife in a house he's still paying the mortgage on. Now I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I understand.”

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“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

“There are only three things that women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

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“If you're involved in with something that's original, you know, you'll always go back and try to rehash it.”

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“There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some spam.”

“Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.”

“We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence.”

“We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f*cking lactose intolerance?!”

“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.”

“What's in the tea?
- Water, b*tch!”

“When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy because ‘sacrifice‘ infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.”

“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”

“When you’ve got a career, there ain’t enough time in the day. When you’ve got a job. There’s too much time.”

“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”

“Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!”

“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!”

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“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

“Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a d*ck, smack her with a d*ck! … I put a d*ck in the ear, a d*ck in the ear! … F*ck her in the eye, f*ck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!”

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“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

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