Demetri Martin Quotes

“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”

“A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside.”

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”

“If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.”

“If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, "I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.”

“My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.”

“Nearly one-half of all Americans are torsos.”

“People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.”

“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”

“Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?”