Who on Earth is Demetri Martin?

Demetri Evan Martin is an American stand-up comedian, actor and writer.

Books by Demetri Martin

Quotes by Demetri Martin

“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”

Demetri Martin

“A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”

Demetri Martin

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside.”

Demetri Martin

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”

Demetri Martin

“If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.”

Demetri Martin

“If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, "I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.”

Demetri Martin

“My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.”

Demetri Martin

“Nearly one-half of all Americans are torsos.”

Demetri Martin

“People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.”

Demetri Martin

“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”

Demetri Martin

“Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.”

Demetri Martin

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

Demetri Martin

“When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?”

Demetri Martin