Dick Masterson Quotes

Who the Hell is Dick Masterson?

Dick Masterson is a self proclaimed chauvinist who became famous after his appearance on the Dr. Phil show.

Masterson writes on his misogynistic blog and published a book called 'Men are Better than Women'.

Books by Dick Masterson


Best 51 Quotes by Dick Masterson

10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym Quotes

“A woman who was 20 pounds overweight once told me she was worried about working out because she didn’t want to get ‘too bulky’. I told her it was too late for that and she took that as a compliment. Touché, madam. Touché.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Also ladies, working out won’t make you bulky. It won’t make you thicker or heavier or make your big ass bigger. Buying a puppy, however, and shoveling healthy snacks down your craw, and gossiping with your friends about celebrities all day will. Cigarettes come with a warning label. Why doesn’t American Idol?

Warning: if you’re a woman, this program will make you fatter and more annoying.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Culture is no excuse for fatness. Some women think it’s part of their culture to look like Grimace. I call bullshit. No culture — at least no culture with access to Bally’s — has ever valued fatness.

There’s a big difference between a nice ass and thighs that look like the surface of a golf ball — and a gut that looks like a broken tube of croissant dough. I couldn’t decide which of those was funnier.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“If women really want a gadget to help them work out, how about a treadmill that pats them on the back as they run their fat ass skinny. That’s called a positive reinforcement. It works for blowjobs and getting texts from me. It would probably work at the gym too.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“In the case of Curves: A Gym for Fatso’s, they can sell a billion memberships for a health club that holds twelve because not one of those panting wildebeests is ever going to show up. Have you ever seen a Curves? My bedroom is bigger than your average Curves. And more women have worked out in it.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Men are better than women at the gym because men actually go to the gym and women don’t.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Men don't dress up. The gym is not a fashion show. It’s a place to go to get in shape, stay healthy, and look at yourself in the mirror without losing Man Points.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Men don’t have to exercise. It’s a commonly held fact that men don’t have to be fit to be attractive. In fact, other than the enjoyment of our raw masculine power, there’s no reason for a man to work out ever. Men make the money and men make the funny. That’s all we need to get a whole screw of girls lined up around the block — for purposes of banging.

Women, on the other hand, have to work out. If women don’t look good, they don’t make as much money, they aren’t funny at all, and no one will come along to bail them out with their dick.

Men are better than women at the gym for simple reason that we don’t have to be there.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Men don’t wear cute outfits to the gym. If it were legal, I would work out completely naked. Fuck clothes. Clothes are just an extra bullshit step between me and getting the job done. Women, on the other hand, need $200 of lycra to set foot in the door. Nine times out of ten, that’s their only reason for going to the gym in the first place; to show off some new Lulu Lemon mess. It’s like a senior prom to them: new outfits, shitty music, and plenty of excuses not to put out afterward.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Remember in Con Air how Nicolas Cage didn’t even get access to a proper gym because he was considered a dangerous military weapon? He still found a way to stay in shape with a push-up montage. That was awesome.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“The best looking women in history lived in the 60’s and starred in spy movies opposite Sean Connery. Then in the 80’s, 'low calories' were invented and every woman in the free world turned into a hippopotamus. That trend continues because women suck at going to the gym.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“To make it in the health club game, you have to sell more memberships than you have room for. Imagine that you own a house with three rooms. In order to run that house like a health club, you would have to rent those three rooms to twenty people and hope that all of them don’t show up every Saturday night. If they did, you’d be fucked. You only have enough room for three of them and the other 17 would have to sleep in the yard I guess. If, however, one or two or even three came everyday, you’d make a tidy sum.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“When I compare women to trainable dogs, I’m not saying anything that they themselves aren’t. Women reward themselves like golden retrievers when they do something right. If a woman runs a mile, she gives herself a Snickers. If she does some butt exercises, she calls her mom. You know how men reward themselves for going to the gym? By going to the gym again.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Women also suck at the gym because they need more toys there than a day care center. Exercise balls, exercise rolls, exercise bagels; unless it cost more than 50 bucks, women won’t workout with it.

Cavemen were the most physically fit specimens of human beings in history. All they had was heavy shit and distances to run. That’s all any man needs to exercise. All that goofy shit is a distraction from secretly wanting to be a big flat slob.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Women are too goddamn selfish to show their bodies off even though it doesn’t cost them anything. Seriously, what’s the problem with showing your boobs off every now and then? It’s free. I make witty comments all the time for free because I know everyone enjoys it. It’s the same exact thing.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Women barely break a sweat when they’re at the gym. Probably because they’re worried about smelling like shit on the way home in case a cute policeman pulls them over. In order to get results, however, you’ve got to feel the burn.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Women do as much working out at the gym as they do praying in church. Most of their time there is spent in a big social jerk off session full of bitching and gossip. I was at the gym last week and this girl on a stationary bike was complaining about her boyfriend while texting for about forty minutes. Not once did her miles per hour exceed her texts per hour.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“Women don’t understand how the body works. For example, women: you have to arch your fucking back if you want it doggy style or else it doesn’t work. Get a clue.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? Candy bars, potato chips, french fries, milk shakes, and being a big fat slob.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? She’s got a candy bar crammed in her mouth and one in her pocket for later.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

Products by Dick Masterson

“You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? She’s got a feedbag full of potato chips strapped to her face.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

“You know why most gyms don’t allow you to wear jeans while you work out? It’s not because of men, or me specifically who has been turned away three times for trying. It’s because if women were allowed to wear jeans to the gym, they’d also wear high heels and tube tops that matched and then stand around waiting for someone to buy them a drink.”

Dick Masterson
10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge Quotes

“Animals are just like computers. They have no soul and no mystical sense of anything beyond what goes in their stomachs. 'Animal rights' is a profitable misnomer invented by women just like every other 'humanitarian' movement that all follow one simple theme: Bitches will get uncomfortable if they can’t feel the end of their leash.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Animals are meant to be killed by human men. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to eat them or stuff them full of candy and play a practical man-joke on kids.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“As I explained last year, new year’s resolutions are for ladies. They’re for people who get as much personal satisfaction out of intending to better themselves than actually doing it.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“I am 100% right when I say women love being told their place in life — especially hot women.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“In all seriousness, always pay for a girl’s abortion. Or make sure you physically see the receipt.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Money is an aphrodisiac. Paying for drinks, paying for movie tickets, paying for any bullshit no matter how cheap it is will get a lady’s humper pumping. That’s a guarantee.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Stop dating chicks that aren’t going to fuck you!”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“When you argue with a woman, you are effectively saying you have nothing better to do today than waste your time. Check your penis at the door, kemo sabe. She’s not listening, she won’t do shit if you don’t do what she says, and nothing in the world will make her happy.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Without logic, you can’t be reasoned with or convinced in any way. You can’t understand the difference between feelings and rational thought, beyond the fact that both are coming out of someone’s mouth, and if that’s all it takes to be a good argument, I might as well start calling my cock Henry Kissinger! Actually, I am going to do that now.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Women are always wrong. Women get lucky from time to time and act like complete cunts about it, but remember this: even if a woman is right, she’s wrong.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Women are like a broken clocks with tits. When 11:37 rolls around, she seems like the smartest set of tits on Earth. But that’s why God only intended sex to last 14 minutes. Otherwise, women would have all day to call the shots instead of just the time it takes to give your junk a sink bath.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Women are like dogs. If they can’t feel you yanking on their emotional leash and telling them to calm the fuck down about shit they don’t understand, they’ll lose their goddamn minds. Have you ever met a woman who was a humanitarian crusader? Did she seem happy to you? No.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Women don’t use logic like men do. And without logic, you can’t be right. You can only be a lucky pain in the ass.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

“Women think buying a guitar and playing a guitar is the same thing. Women think not enjoying the blowjob she drunkenly gave her coworker during the Christmas party makes her a faithful wife. If she didn’t like it, it didn’t happen.”

Dick Masterson
Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

Men Are Better Than Women Quotes

“Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener.”

Dick Masterson
Men Are Better Than Women

“Fucking two things up at the same time isn't multitasking.”

Dick Masterson
Men Are Better Than Women

Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage Quotes

“At one point, having a mistress was seen as perfectly normal. If you made more than the modern day equivalent of 10 million dollars, you were allowed to have a couple broads on the side. Well women fucked that up. Just look at poor Tiger Woods.”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

“Don't get a dog together. Women have tried to snare us men with dogs since the beginning of time. Sharing the responsibility of another life form is almost as binding as a legal contract.”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

“Don’t live together. There’s no good reason to live together. It doesn’t save money. It doesn’t save time on driving back from her (or his?) house when you’re done boning her (or him again?). All it does is create a Petri dish for fighting and bullshit.

Living together is like making a hot salami and pastrami sandwich made entirely of bullshit and fighting. It’s one layer of fighting, and then one layer of bullshit, and so on until you can’t see the top of it any longer.”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

Products by Dick Masterson

“In every couple, one of the parties wants to get married more than the other.”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

“Lesbians don’t have relationships. They have extended emotional chess games where every piece is a pawn.”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

“Marriage is like quicksand. Sometimes you don’t even know you’re stuck in it until the last part of you sticking out of the quagmire is your hand. That’s when a priest comes along and slides a ring on your finger.”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

“No amount of whining and wishful thinking is going to pull your ass out of a coma. How often does anyone go the hospital anyway? Like once a lifetime?”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

“Scientific research has shown that a husband who is allowed to sleep around is actually more faithful in the long run. I think that science was conducted at a tautology research center because I don’t see how it couldn’t be true. The point is: men want to bang more than one partner.”

Dick Masterson
Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

Why Women Hate Sex Quotes

“Do women hate sex — and they do — because of some kind of woman-guilt from an outdated puritan societal dogma? Or perhaps a stigma of guilt or a fear of abandonment? No. None of these things are it. Women hate sex simply because they are lousy at it.”

Dick Masterson
Why Women Hate Sex

“In a time of crisis, we men are at our show stopping best. Take a flat tire on a moonless night for instance. While a man is out changing nuts and bolts and doing all manner of screwing on the side of the road, will a woman so much as think to grab a flashlight and help? No.

That’s because women hate holding flashlights, because they are complete rubbish at it. Force a woman to hold a flashlight when it matters and you’re likely to catch her aiming it into the sky for absolutely no goddamn reason. You’re better off just duct taping it to a mailbox and catapulting it into space.”

Dick Masterson
Why Women Hate Sex

“In Chinese, the symbol for crisis is the same as opportunity. I haven’t looked that up, but I heard it from a man so it’s probably true because us men have something called integrity.”

Dick Masterson
Why Women Hate Sex

“Out of all the problems that have ever or will ever exist on the Earth, there is only one that men haven’t and will never be able to solve — not because they can’t, because that’s ridiculous, but because the problem is unsolvable by design. Women hate sex.”

Dick Masterson
Why Women Hate Sex