Dick Masterson Quotes

“A woman who was 20 pounds overweight once told me she was worried about working out because she didn’t want to get ‘too bulky’. I told her it was too late for that and she took that as a compliment. Touché, madam. Touché.”

“Also ladies, working out won’t make you bulky. It won’t make you thicker or heavier or make your big ass bigger. Buying a puppy, however, and shoveling healthy snacks down your craw, and gossiping with your friends about celebrities all day will. Cigarettes come with a warning label. Why doesn’t American Idol?

Warning: if you’re a woman, this program will make you fatter and more annoying.”

“Culture is no excuse for fatness. Some women think it’s part of their culture to look like Grimace. I call bullsh*t. No culture — at least no culture with access to Bally’s — has ever valued fatness.

There’s a big difference between a nice ass and thighs that look like the surface of a golf ball — and a gut that looks like a broken tube of croissant dough. I couldn’t decide which of those was funnier.”

“If women really want a gadget to help them work out, how about a treadmill that pats them on the back as they run their fat ass skinny. That’s called a positive reinforcement. It works for bl*wjobs and getting texts from me. It would probably work at the gym too.”

“In the case of Curves: A Gym for Fatso’s, they can sell a billion memberships for a health club that holds twelve because not one of those panting wildebeests is ever going to show up. Have you ever seen a Curves? My bedroom is bigger than your average Curves. And more women have worked out in it.”

“Men are better than women at the gym because men actually go to the gym and women don’t.”

“Men don't dress up. The gym is not a fashion show. It’s a place to go to get in shape, stay healthy, and look at yourself in the mirror without losing Man Points.”

“Men don’t have to exercise. It’s a commonly held fact that men don’t have to be fit to be attractive. In fact, other than the enjoyment of our raw masculine power, there’s no reason for a man to work out ever. Men make the money and men make the funny. That’s all we need to get a whole screw of girls lined up around the block — for purposes of banging.

Women, on the other hand, have to work out. If women don’t look good, they don’t make as much money, they aren’t funny at all, and no one will come along to bail them out with their d*ck.

Men are better than women at the gym for simple reason that we don’t have to be there.”

“Men don’t wear cute outfits to the gym. If it were legal, I would work out completely naked. F*ck clothes. Clothes are just an extra bullsh*t step between me and getting the job done. Women, on the other hand, need $200 of lycra to set foot in the door. Nine times out of ten, that’s their only reason for going to the gym in the first place; to show off some new Lulu Lemon mess. It’s like a senior prom to them: new outfits, sh*tty music, and plenty of excuses not to put out afterward.”

“Remember in Con Air how Nicolas Cage didn’t even get access to a proper gym because he was considered a dangerous military weapon? He still found a way to stay in shape with a push-up montage. That was awesome.”

“The best looking women in history lived in the 60’s and starred in spy movies opposite Sean Connery. Then in the 80’s, 'low calories' were invented and every woman in the free world turned into a hippopotamus. That trend continues because women suck at going to the gym.”

“The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’”

“To make it in the health club game, you have to sell more memberships than you have room for. Imagine that you own a house with three rooms. In order to run that house like a health club, you would have to rent those three rooms to twenty people and hope that all of them don’t show up every Saturday night. If they did, you’d be f*cked. You only have enough room for three of them and the other 17 would have to sleep in the yard I guess. If, however, one or two or even three came everyday, you’d make a tidy sum.”

“When I compare women to trainable dogs, I’m not saying anything that they themselves aren’t. Women reward themselves like golden retrievers when they do something right. If a woman runs a mile, she gives herself a Snickers. If she does some butt exercises, she calls her mom. You know how men reward themselves for going to the gym? By going to the gym again.”

“Women also suck at the gym because they need more toys there than a day care center. Exercise balls, exercise rolls, exercise bagels; unless it cost more than 50 bucks, women won’t workout with it.

Cavemen were the most physically fit specimens of human beings in history. All they had was heavy shit and distances to run. That’s all any man needs to exercise. All that goofy shit is a distraction from secretly wanting to be a big flat slob.”

“Women are too goddamn selfish to show their bodies off even though it doesn’t cost them anything. Seriously, what’s the problem with showing your boobs off every now and then? It’s free. I make witty comments all the time for free because I know everyone enjoys it. It’s the same exact thing.”

“Women barely break a sweat when they’re at the gym. Probably because they’re worried about smelling like shit on the way home in case a cute policeman pulls them over. In order to get results, however, you’ve got to feel the burn.”

“Women do as much working out at the gym as they do praying in church. Most of their time there is spent in a big social jerk off session full of bitching and gossip. I was at the gym last week and this girl on a stationary bike was complaining about her boyfriend while texting for about forty minutes. Not once did her miles per hour exceed her texts per hour.”

“Women don’t understand how the body works. For example, women: you have to arch your f*cking back if you want it doggy style or else it doesn’t work. Get a clue.”

“You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? Candy bars, potato chips, french fries, milk shakes, and being a big fat slob.”

“You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? She’s got a candy bar crammed in her mouth and one in her pocket for later.”

“You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? She’s got a feedbag full of potato chips strapped to her face.”

“You know why most gyms don’t allow you to wear jeans while you work out? It’s not because of men, or me specifically who has been turned away three times for trying. It’s because if women were allowed to wear jeans to the gym, they’d also wear high heels and tube tops that matched and then stand around waiting for someone to buy them a drink.”

“Animals are just like computers. They have no soul and no mystical sense of anything beyond what goes in their stomachs. 'Animal rights' is a profitable misnomer invented by women just like every other 'humanitarian' movement that all follow one simple theme: B*tches will get uncomfortable if they can’t feel the end of their leash.”

“Animals are meant to be killed by human men. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to eat them or stuff them full of candy and play a practical man-joke on kids.”

“As I explained last year, new year’s resolutions are for ladies. They’re for people who get as much personal satisfaction out of intending to better themselves than actually doing it.”

“I am 100% right when I say women love being told their place in life — especially hot women.”

“In all seriousness, always pay for a girl’s abortion. Or make sure you physically see the receipt.”

“Money is an aphrodisiac. Paying for drinks, paying for movie tickets, paying for any bullsh*t no matter how cheap it is will get a lady’s humper pumping. That’s a guarantee.”

“Stop dating chicks that aren’t going to f*ck you!”