Dick Masterson Quotes

“At one point, having a mistress was seen as perfectly normal. If you made more than the modern day equivalent of 10 million dollars, you were allowed to have a couple broads on the side. Well women f*cked that up. Just look at poor Tiger Woods.”

“Don't get a dog together. Women have tried to snare us men with dogs since the beginning of time. Sharing the responsibility of another life form is almost as binding as a legal contract.”

“Don’t live together. There’s no good reason to live together. It doesn’t save money. It doesn’t save time on driving back from her (or his?) house when you’re done boning her (or him again?). All it does is create a Petri dish for fighting and bullsh*t.

Living together is like making a hot salami and pastrami sandwich made entirely of bullsh*t and fighting. It’s one layer of fighting, and then one layer of bullsh*t, and so on until you can’t see the top of it any longer.”

“In every couple, one of the parties wants to get married more than the other.”

“Lesbians don’t have relationships. They have extended emotional chess games where every piece is a pawn.”

“Marriage is like quicksand. Sometimes you don’t even know you’re stuck in it until the last part of you sticking out of the quagmire is your hand. That’s when a priest comes along and slides a ring on your finger.”

“No amount of whining and wishful thinking is going to pull your ass out of a coma. How often does anyone go the hospital anyway? Like once a lifetime?”

“Scientific research has shown that a husband who is allowed to sleep around is actually more faithful in the long run. I think that science was conducted at a tautology research center because I don’t see how it couldn’t be true. The point is: men want to bang more than one partner.”