Emo Philips Quotes

Who the Heck is Emo Philips?

Emo Philips is an American stand up comedian.

Born February 07, 1956

Best 8 Quotes by Emo Philips

“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!”

Emo Philips

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”

Emo Philips

“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

Emo Philips

“I like to play chess with old men in the park. But it's so hard to find 32 of them.”

Emo Philips

“Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.”

Emo Philips

“So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.”

Emo Philips

“When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

Emo Philips

“y girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.”

Emo Philips