Erma Bombeck Quotes

“A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.”

“An advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”

“Anything you buy will be in the sale next week.”

“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.”

“Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”

“Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.”

“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.”

“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, “What light?” and two more to say, “I didn’t turn it on.”

“He who laughs… lasts.”

“Housework can kill you if done right.”

“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”

“I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.”

“If a man watches three American football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.”

“If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.”

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”

“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?”

“Never accept a drink from a urologist.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“Next to a hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.”

“One thing they never tell you about child-raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”

“Skiing? I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill.”

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”