Erma Bombeck quotes

“A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.”

Erma Bombeck

“An advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”

Erma Bombeck

“Anything you buy will be in the sale next week.”

Erma Bombeck

“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.”

Erma Bombeck

“Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”

Erma Bombeck

“Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.”

Erma Bombeck

“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.”

Erma Bombeck

“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, “What light?” and two more to say, “I didn’t turn it on.”

Erma Bombeck

“He who laughs… lasts.”

Erma Bombeck

“Housework can kill you if done right.”

Erma Bombeck

“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”

Erma Bombeck

“I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.”

Erma Bombeck

“If a man watches three American football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

Erma Bombeck

“If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.”

Erma Bombeck

“If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.”

Erma Bombeck

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”

Erma Bombeck

“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”

Erma Bombeck

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”

Erma Bombeck

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

Erma Bombeck

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

Erma Bombeck

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?”

Erma Bombeck

“Never accept a drink from a urologist.”

Erma Bombeck

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

Erma Bombeck

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

Erma Bombeck

“Next to a hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.”

Erma Bombeck

“One thing they never tell you about child-raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.”

Erma Bombeck

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”

Erma Bombeck

“Skiing? I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill.”

Erma Bombeck

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

Erma Bombeck

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”

Erma Bombeck

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.”

Erma Bombeck

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

Erma Bombeck

“Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wears a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and 30 days later looks like a well-dressed thermometer.”

Erma Bombeck

“To me, golf is something you did with your hands while you talked. Unless you smoked. Then you never had to leave the clubhouse.”

Erma Bombeck

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

Erma Bombeck

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.”

Erma Bombeck

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

Erma Bombeck

“When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.”

Erma Bombeck

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.”

Erma Bombeck