Esther Perel Quotes

“Adultery is often the revenge of the deserted possibilities.”

“At their peak, affairs rarely lack imagination. Nor do they lack desire, abundance of attention, romance, and playfulness. Shared dreams, affection, passion and endless curiosityーall these are natural ingredients found in the adulterous plot. They are also ingredients of thriving relationships. It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook.”

“Behind every criticism is a veiled wish.”

“Breaking routine and stepping out of what feels comfortable connects you to curiosity and discovery. So, ask yourselves, what is something new you can do together?”

“Couples may show only a specific side of their life in public — usually, the happy one. You’re seeing only the good moments that someone has chosen to show. What you don’t see: the bickering, the blow-out arguments, or the boring nights spent at home.”

“Despite living in a time of unprecedented sexual freedom in America, the practice of policing sexuality has continued unabated since the days of the Puritans.”

“Erotic intelligence is about creating distance, then bringing that space to life.”

“Eroticism challenges us to seek a different kind of resolution, to surrender to the unknown and ungraspable, and to breach the confines of the rational world.”

“Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.”

“Eventually, if desire withers, monogamy too easily slides downward into celibacy. When this happens, fidelity becomes a weakness rather than a virtue.”

“Flirting is about playing with possibility, not going in for the kill.”

“If you trade passion for stability, you basically trade one fiction for another. Both are products of our imagination.”

“If you’re too busy for sex, you’re too busy.”

“In the aftermath of an affair, I often tell a couple: Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?”

“In uncertainty lies the seed of wanting.”

“Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions.”

“Instead of looking to the other to meet your needs, if you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire.”

“Is jealousy an expression of love or a sign of insecurity?”

“It takes two people to create a pattern, but only one to change it.”

“Love is a verb. Not a permanent state of enthusiasm.”

“Love is an exercise in selective perception.”

“Marriage is imperfect. We start with a desire for oneness, and then we discover our differences. Our fears are aroused by the prospect of all the things we’re never going to have.”

“Self-confidence and self-acceptance increase with age. Both help us claim our desire and feel entitled to it.”

“The ‘symptom’ theory goes as follows: An affair simply alerts us to a preexisting condition, either a troubled relationship or a troubled person.”

“The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable.”

“The idea of finding the one is problematic for relationships.”

“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity.”

“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.”

“The smaller we feel in the world, the more we need to shine in the eyes of our partner.”

“There is no greater source of joy and meaning in our lives than our relationships with others.”