Fran Lebowitz Quotes

“A book is not supposed to be a mirror. It's supposed to be a door.”

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”

“Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.”

“Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.”

“I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.”

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”

“I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?”

“I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.”

“I object to people who are rich in politics. I don't think they should be allowed to be in politics. It is bad that rich people are in politics, it is bad for everybody but rich people, and rich people don't need any more help.”

“I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.”

“I write so slowly, I could write with my own blood and not hurt myself.”

“If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.”

“Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.”

“My favorite animal is bacon.”

“Nothing can be more important than giving children books.”

“Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.”

“People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.”

“Polite conversation is rarely either.”

“Reading is better than life. Without reading, you're stuck with life.”

“Sleep is death without the responsibility.”

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

“Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.”

“The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.”

“There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing.”

“Think before you speak. Read before you think.”

“This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.”