Who is George Burns?

George Burns was an American comedian, actor, singer, and writer born as Nathan Birnbaum. He became 100 years old and used to make a lot of jokes about his old age.

Books by George Burns

Quotes by George Burns

“A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.”

George Burns

“Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

George Burns

“Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.”

George Burns

“And God said "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.”

George Burns

“As long as you're working, you stay young.”

George Burns

“Be quick to learn and wise to know.”

George Burns

“Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.”

George Burns

“Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.”

George Burns

“By age 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.”

George Burns

“Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.”

George Burns

“Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.”

George Burns

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

George Burns

“Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.”

George Burns

“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.”

George Burns

“Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.”

George Burns

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

George Burns

“From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.”

George Burns

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

George Burns

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

George Burns

“I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.”

George Burns

“I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

George Burns

“I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.”

George Burns

“I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.”

George Burns

“I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.”

George Burns

“I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.”

George Burns

“I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.”

George Burns

“I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.”

George Burns

“I get a standing ovation just standing.”

George Burns

“I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.”

George Burns

“I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.”

George Burns

“I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”

George Burns

“I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.”

George Burns

“I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.”

George Burns

“I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.”

George Burns

“I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.”

George Burns

“I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.”

George Burns

“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.”

George Burns

“I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.”

George Burns

“I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.”

George Burns

“I'd rather be over the hill than under it.”

George Burns

“I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.”

George Burns

“I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.”

George Burns

“I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.”

George Burns

“If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.”

George Burns

“If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.”

George Burns

“If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.”

George Burns

“If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.”

George Burns

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.”

George Burns

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

George Burns

“If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.”

George Burns

“If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.”

George Burns

“In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.”

George Burns

“In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.”

George Burns

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

George Burns

“It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.”

George Burns

“It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

George Burns

“It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.”

George Burns

“Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago...”

George Burns

“Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.”

George Burns

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.”

George Burns

“My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.”

George Burns

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.”

George Burns

“None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.”

George Burns

“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.”

George Burns

“People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.”

George Burns

“People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.”

George Burns

“People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

George Burns

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”

George Burns

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

George Burns

“Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.”

George Burns

“She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.”

George Burns

“Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.”

George Burns

“Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.”

George Burns

“The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.”

George Burns

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”

George Burns

“There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.”

George Burns

“There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.”

George Burns

“There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.”

George Burns

“There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.”

George Burns

“There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.”

George Burns

“This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.”

George Burns

“This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.”

George Burns Dear George

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

George Burns

“What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.”

George Burns

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

George Burns

“When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.”

George Burns

“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.”

George Burns

“When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.”

George Burns

“When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.”

George Burns

“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”

George Burns

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”

George Burns

“Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.”

George Burns