George Burns Quotes

“A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.”

“Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work.

As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.”

“And God said: Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.”

“Be quick to learn and wise to know.”

“Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant.

And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.”

“Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.”

“By age 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.”

“Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.”

“Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.”

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

“Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.”

“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.”

“Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words.

I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.”

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

“From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.”

“I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.”

“I did go to school – my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.”

“I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.”

“I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.”

“I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now – I'm booked.”

“I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.”

“I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.”

“I get a standing ovation just standing.”

“I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.”

“I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.”

“I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”