George Carlin Quotes

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”

“And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

“Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.”

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

“Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.”

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade.”

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.”

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

“I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.”

“I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.”

“I got this real moron thing I do, it's called thinking and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“I have certain rules I live by. My first rule, I don't believe anything the government tells me. And I don't take very seriously the media or the press in this country.”

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

“If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”