Who the heck is George Carlin?

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”

“And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

“Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.”

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade.”

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.”

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

“I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.”

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

“It's never just a game when you're winning.”

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”

“Life is tough, then you die.”

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

“The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.”

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“The future will soon be a thing of the past.”

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

“There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.”

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.”