George Carlin Quotes

Who is George Carlin?

George Denis Patrick Carlin was a legendary stand up comedian, social critic and actor.

Born May 12, 1937
Died June 22, 2008

Books by George Carlin


Best 56 Quotes by George Carlin | Page 1 of 2

“Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.”

George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

George Carlin

“I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.”

George Carlin

“I got this real moron thing I do, it's called thinking and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

George Carlin

“I have certain rules I live by. My first rule, I don't believe anything the government tells me. And I don't take very seriously the media or the press in this country.”

George Carlin

“If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”

George Carlin

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

George Carlin

Offer of the week

Stainless Steel Thermoflask Water Botle

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

George Carlin

“Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.”

George Carlin

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”

George Carlin

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

George Carlin

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”

George Carlin

“And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.”

George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

George Carlin

Products by George Carlin

“Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

George Carlin

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

George Carlin

You Might Like

“You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”


More quotes by Jay Leno

“Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.”

George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George Carlin

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

George Carlin

“Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade.”

George Carlin

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.”

George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

George Carlin

“I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.”

George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

George Carlin

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”

George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

George Carlin

Products by George Carlin

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

George Carlin