Who on Earth is George Carlin?

George Carlin was a legendary stand up comedian and actor.

Books by George Carlin

Quotes by George Carlin

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”

George Carlin

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

George Carlin

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”

George Carlin

“And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.”

George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

George Carlin

“Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

George Carlin

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

George Carlin

“Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.”

George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George Carlin

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

George Carlin

“Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade.”

George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

George Carlin

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.”

George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

George Carlin

“I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.”

George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

George Carlin

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”

George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

George Carlin

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

George Carlin

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

George Carlin

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

George Carlin

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.”

George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

George Carlin

“It's never just a game when you're winning.”

George Carlin

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

George Carlin

“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”

George Carlin

“Life is tough, then you die.”

George Carlin

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

George Carlin

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

George Carlin

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

George Carlin

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

George Carlin

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

George Carlin

“The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.”

George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

George Carlin

“The future will soon be a thing of the past.”

George Carlin

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

George Carlin

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

George Carlin

“There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

George Carlin

“Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.”

George Carlin

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

George Carlin

“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.”

George Carlin