Groucho Marx Quotes



Best 28 Quotes by Groucho Marx

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“A private hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!”

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”

“I am all for women’s rights – and for their lefts too.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I once gave a waiter a tip – I told him never to step off a moving bus.”

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”

“I’m not feeling too well. I need a doctor immediately. Quick, call the nearest golf course.”

“If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

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“I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell.”


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“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

“Religion is the sign of the oppressed... it is the opium of the people.”

“She got her looks from her father – he’s a plastic surgeon.”

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go into another room and read a book.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

“These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”

“You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.”

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“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”


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