Groucho Marx quotes

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

Groucho Marx

“A private hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

Groucho Marx

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

Groucho Marx

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!”

Groucho Marx

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”

Groucho Marx

“I am all for women’s rights – and for their lefts too.”

Groucho Marx

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

Groucho Marx

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

Groucho Marx

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

Groucho Marx

“I once gave a waiter a tip – I told him never to step off a moving bus.”

Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

Groucho Marx

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”

Groucho Marx

“I’m not feeling too well. I need a doctor immediately. Quick, call the nearest golf course.”

Groucho Marx

“If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”

Groucho Marx

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

Groucho Marx

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

Groucho Marx

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

Groucho Marx

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

Groucho Marx

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”

Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

Groucho Marx

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

Groucho Marx

“Religion is the sign of the oppressed... it is the opium of the people.”

Groucho Marx

“She got her looks from her father – he’s a plastic surgeon.”

Groucho Marx

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

Groucho Marx

“Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go into another room and read a book.”

Groucho Marx

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

Groucho Marx

“These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”

Groucho Marx

“You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.”

Groucho Marx