Groucho Marx Quotes
Books by Groucho Marx
Best 28 Quotes by Groucho Marx
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“A private hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!”
“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”
“I am all for women’s rights – and for their lefts too.”
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“I once gave a waiter a tip – I told him never to step off a moving bus.”
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
“I’m not feeling too well. I need a doctor immediately. Quick, call the nearest golf course.”
“If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”
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“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
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“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”
“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”
“Religion is the sign of the oppressed... it is the opium of the people.”
“She got her looks from her father – he’s a plastic surgeon.”
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
“Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go into another room and read a book.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
“These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”
“You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.”
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“If ever I were to have a symbol attributed to me, it would be a heart, the outline!”
