Groucho Marx Quotes
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Best 28 Quotes by Groucho Marx
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“A private hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!”
“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”
“I am all for women’s rights – and for their lefts too.”
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“I once gave a waiter a tip – I told him never to step off a moving bus.”
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
“I’m not feeling too well. I need a doctor immediately. Quick, call the nearest golf course.”
“If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”
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“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
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“I became to myself an imaginary figure of great excellence, daring and glamor.”
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”
“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”
“Religion is the sign of the oppressed... it is the opium of the people.”
“She got her looks from her father – he’s a plastic surgeon.”
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
“Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go into another room and read a book.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
“These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”
“You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.”
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“People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.”
