Henny Youngman Quotes

Who was Henny Youngman?

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an American comedian and violinist. He specializes in short jokes and is nicknamed The King of the One Liners.

Born March 16, 1906
Died February 24, 1998
Aged 91 years old

Books by Henny Youngman


Best 36 Quotes by Henny Youngman – Page 1 of 2

“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”

“A doctor says to a man: You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.

Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says: How is your love life since you have been running?

- I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says: You've been brought here for drinking.

The drunk says: Okay, let's get started.”

“A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”

“A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says: "You're crazy."

The man says: "I want a second opinion!"

"Okay, you're ugly too!”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?

The doctor says: "Limp!”

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“Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”

“I said to my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen.”

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”

“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”

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“It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.”

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

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“You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!”

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“Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”

“Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.”

“My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.”

“My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.”

“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”

“Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.”

“She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!”

“She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.”

“Take my wife... please.”

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“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”

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“Anyone who accuses me of stealing other comedians' jokes can kiss my black ass, okay.”

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