Henny Youngman Quotes

Who is Henny Youngman?

American comedian and violinist. He specializes in short jokes and is nicknamed The King of the One Liners.

Born March 16, 1906
Died February 24, 1998

Best 35 Quotes by Henny Youngman

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!”

Henny Youngman

“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”

Henny Youngman

“A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!”

Henny Youngman

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”

Henny Youngman

“A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”

Henny Youngman

“A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!”

Henny Youngman

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

Henny Youngman

“Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.”

Henny Youngman

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

Henny Youngman

“I said to my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen.”

Henny Youngman

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

Henny Youngman

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

Henny Youngman

“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”

Henny Youngman

“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”

Henny Youngman

“It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.”

Henny Youngman

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

Henny Youngman

“Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”

Henny Youngman

“Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.”

Henny Youngman

“My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.”

Henny Youngman

“My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.”

Henny Youngman

“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

Henny Youngman

“My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”

Henny Youngman

“Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.”

Henny Youngman

“She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!”

Henny Youngman

“She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.”

Henny Youngman

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

Henny Youngman

“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.”

Henny Youngman

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

Henny Youngman

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”

Henny Youngman

“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”

Henny Youngman

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

Henny Youngman

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

Henny Youngman

“Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.”

Henny Youngman

“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.”

Henny Youngman

“You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”

Henny Youngman