Ichiro Kishimi quotes

“A community that you can break relations with by simply submitting a withdrawal notice is one that you can have only so much connection to, in any case.”

“A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.”

“A lot of people think that the more friends you have the better, but I’m not so sure about that. There’s no value at all in the number of friends or acquaintances you have.”

“A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which one’s sole concern is with the I'.”

“Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others. Instead of waiting for others to change or waiting for the situation to change, you take the first step forward yourself.”

“Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles—none of these things is defeat.”

“All you can do in regard to your own life is choose the best path that you believe in.”

“Answers from others are nothing more than stopgap measures; they’re of no value.”

“Being normal is not being incapable. One does not need to flaunt one’s superiority.”

“But is being normal, being ordinary, really such a bad thing? Is it something inferior? Or, in truth, isn't everybody normal?”

“Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others.”

“Does one choose recognition from others, or does one choose a path of freedom without recognition?”

“Focus on the point Adler is making here when he refers to the self being determined not by our experiences themselves, but by the meaning we give them.”

“I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but he never seems to be able to complete his work. According to him, his job keeps him too busy, and he can never find enough time to write novels, and that's why he can't complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It's actually that he wants to leave the possibility of "I can do it if I try" open, by not committing to anything. He doesn't want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn't want to face the reality that he might produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He wants to live inside that realm of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time, or that he could write if he just had the proper environment, and that he really does have the talent for it. In another five or ten years, he will probably start using another excuses like "I'm not young anymore" or "I've got a family to think about now.”

“If one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others. Because one will already have the real awareness that “I am of use to someone,” without needing to go out of one’s way to be acknowledged by others.”

“If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn’t feel the need to boast. It’s because one’s feeling of inferiority is strong that one boasts. One feels the need to flaunt one’s superiority all the more. There’s the fear that if one doesn’t do that, not a single person will accept one “the way I am.” This is a full-blown superiority complex.”

“If you are disliked by someone, it is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.”

“In a word, happiness is the feeling of contribution. That is the definition of happiness.”

“In life, there are encounters in which a book one happens to pick up one day ends up completely altering one’s landscape the following morning.”

“It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.”

“Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.”

“Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them.”

“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

“No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life.”

“None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to. The world you see is different from the one I see, and it’s impossible to share your world with anyone else.”

“Once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears.”

“One cannot change what one is born with. But one can, under one’s own power, go about changing what use one makes of that equipment. So in that case, one simply has to focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot. This is what I call self-acceptance.”

“One needs to think not 'What will this person give me?' but, rather, 'What can I give to this person?' That is commitment to the community.”

“Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart.”

“Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: you should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not.”

“Suppose you have placed “doubt” at the foundation of your interpersonal relations. That you live your life doubting other people—doubting your friends and even your family and those you love. What sort of relationship could possibly arise from that? The other person will detect the doubt in your eyes in an instant. He or she will have an instinctive understanding that “this person does not have confidence in me.” Do you think one would be able to build some kind of positive relationship from that point? It is precisely because we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence that it is possible for us to build a deep relationship.”

“That’s what it means to live in your subjective world. There is no escape from your own subjectivity. At present, the world seems complicated and mysterious to you, but if you change, the world will appear more simple. The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are.”

“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.”

“The first step to change is knowing.”

“The more one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that one has no ability. Please do your best to remember this.”

“The reason so many people don’t really feel happy while they’re building up their success in the eyes of society is that they are living in competition.”

“Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves.”

“Those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value systems—they are living other people’s lives.”

“Three things are needed: self-acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others.”

“Unable to communicate out of fear of hurting other people even when one has something to assert, one may end up abandoning what one really wants to do.”

“Unless one is unconcerned by other people’s judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one’s own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free.”

“Value is something that’s based on a social context.”

“We can live only in the here and now.”

“We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world.”

“We choose our lifestyles ourselves. It’s clear where the responsibility lies.”

“We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage.”

“When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.”

“Whether we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is one of the carrot or the stick, and the background goal is manipulation.”

“Why is it that people seek recognition from others? In many cases, it is due to the influence of reward-and-punishment education.”

“With workaholics, the focus is solely on one specific aspect of life. They probably try to justify that by saying, ‘It’s busy at work, so I don’t have enough time to think about my family.’ But this is a life-lie. They are simply trying to avoid their other responsibilities by using work as an excuse.”

“You are the only one who can change yourself.”

“Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.”

“Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.”