Jeff Dye Quotes



Best 26 Quotes by Jeff Dye

“Am I vaxxed? You know questioning Big Pharma used to be a very liberal idea. Now you're considered a dumb hick if you question these giant corporations.”

“By a show of breasts who here supports feminism? Wow, it's sad how many shows I've done and not a single feminist.”

“Dear society, please accept my apology. I should've never chosen to be white.”

“Even if you don't believe in the Bible you have to admit Jesus was a nice dude.”

“Forgive me if I don't believe in NFTs or Crypto. The only people who want to talk to me about these 'investments' are Über drivers, skateboarders or my friends who have 3 roommates.”

“I don't hate homeless people. I just want them to be in homes.”

“I had a rough childhood because my parents aren't divorced. I didn't get to to do drugs till I was 18.”

“I love Mexico. There's no laws or anything.”

“I love the WNBA. I can go to the bathroom, get a drink and not miss a thing.”

“I majored in plagiarism. Maybe you've read some of my work?”

“I miss being a kid. When I was a kid I was never worried about getting laid. In fact I was trying to avoid it.”

“I saw a pregnant woman in Portland. I asked her: Do you know yet if you're having a boy, or a girl, or cis, or bigender, or androgen, or neutrois or third gender or non binary, or pangender, or trans, or demiboy, or queer, or aliagender, or agender?”

“I thought I might be gay for a minute. I thought: I didn't like onions when I was a kid and now I do. Maybe wieners are like that.”

“I was gonna buy these chips then I noticed on the package it said 'No trans fats'. I'm not gonna buy chips when it doesn't include two very marginalized groups of society.”

“I'm not mad at female comics. I'm mad at the double standard of audience members.”

“I've always been into MILFs. Now that I'm 39 I've grown into my kink.”

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“Is there anything better than p*ssy? Yeah, a really good book.”


More quotes by Bo Burnham

“I've had a chest cold for weeks and my friend recommended a homeopathic doctor.

I told her: Grow up, it's 2023. I don't care who my doctor sleeps with as long as they're qualified.”

“Ladies, you can't all be queens.”

“On Thanksgiving my dad called me an alcoholic so I immediately stopped peeing on the couch and punched him in the face.”

“Saying age is just a number is the same as saying HIV is just letters.”

“Service dogs are like breasts in Vegas. There are some real ones but most of them are fake.”

“The biggest flaw with feeding the hungry is they always get hungry again. I saw one guy that I'm sure I fed just a week earlier.”

“The fun thing about a dating app is you get to choose how attractive your murderer is.”

“There are three words you can't call a woman and they all start with the letter 'C'.”

“When I am deciding between having McDonald's or Taco Bell, it comes down to whether I wanna sh*t immediately or in a week.”

“Young people pretend they're so open minded but then they say something like 'You do not put pineapple on pizza!'

It's annoying. You'll eat *ss but you won't put pineapple on pizza?”

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“Isn’t it nice that the sun doesn’t remember what you did yesterday? It just knows today's a new day.”


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