Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

“Did you ever go to a party, go in the bathroom, flush the toilet, and the water starts coming up? That is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.”

“I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.”

“I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that “Men are all the same, we might as well dress them that way.”

“I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”

“I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”

“One of the greatest mysteries to me about women is the fact that they can pour hot wax on their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.”

“People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot! Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas – people being helped by people other than me.”

“The best revenge is living well.”

“The worst words in the English language are, “We have to talk.” Either that or, “Whose bra is this?”

“There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family – there are no massage parlours with ice cream and free jewelry.”

“What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”

“Why do they make condom packets so hard to open? Is it to give the woman a chance to change her mind?”

“You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.”