Joan Rivers Quotes

“I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.”

“All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.”

“Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.”

“Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.”

“As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.”

“Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.”

“Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.”

“Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.”

“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can't dress.”

“Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”

“Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.”

“Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.”

“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

“Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”

“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'”

“Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.”

“Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.”

“Every television show you go on is a choice.”

“Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.”

“Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.”

“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”

“I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.”

“I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.”

“I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.”

“I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.”

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.”

“I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.”