Joan Rivers Quotes Page 2

“I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.”

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

“I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”

“I hate reality shows that are not reality.”

“I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.”

“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”

“I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.”

“I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.”

“I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.”

“I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.”

“I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.”

“I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.”

“I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.”

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.”

“I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.”

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said: Get the hell off my property.”

“I truly think comedy is – being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.”

“I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.”

“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”

“I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

“I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.”

“I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.”

“I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.”

“I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss – no matter what they tell you.”