Joan Rivers Quotes Page 3

“I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.”

“I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.”

“I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.”

“If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.”

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”

“It's feast or famine in showbiz.”

“It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.”

“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.”

“Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.”

“My audiences get younger all the time.”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

“My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.”

“My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.”

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I'd visit him every day.”

“My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”

“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”

“Never floss with a stranger.”

“Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.”

“Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.”

“Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.”

“Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.”

“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

“Show business is – you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.”

“Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.”

“Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”