John Gottman Quotes

“Admit when you're wrong. Shut up when you're right.”

“Approximately 40 percent of the time, when a woman brings up an issue, men have no clue what she is talking about.”

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”

“The critical dimension in understanding whether a marriage will work or not, becomes the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.”

“There are many marital therapists who have high expectations for what is possible in a marriage. I am not opposed to such views, but I personally take a different one. I am a 'plumber'. I have often described my goal as fostering the 'good enough marriage'.

I am likely to think a marriage is good enough if the two spouses choose to have coffee and pastries on a Saturday afternoon and really enjoy the conversation, even if they don't heal each other's childhood wounds, or don't always have wall-socket, mind-blowing, skyrocket sex.”

“Trust is built in very small moments, which I call 'sliding door' moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. One such moment is not important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship – very gradually, very slowly.”

“We move in response to our conversation partner’s face, and our brain also fires as we move those muscles and stirs the passions. Paralyzing the face is idiotic.”

“We’re not suggesting you be overly contrived about this and don’t want you to be flipping your hair back if she’s flipping hers. Just pay attention to her words and her body language, and you’ll start getting the social bonding going.”

“What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple.
Happily married couple aren't smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couple have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what i call an emotionally intelligent marriage.”

“You live longer if you are married or have a long-term partner. She lives longer if she has female friends. You live longer if she lives longer. Encourage her female friendships.”

“Couples who have learned to dialogue about their perpetual issues ask just such questions. They ask, “Is there a story behind this for you, maybe some childhood history that makes this so crucial for you?” They want to uncover not just the topmost feelings, but the deeper layers as well.”

“Our gridlocked conflicts contain the potential for great intimacy between us. But we have to feel safe enough to pull our dreams out of the closet. When we wear them, our partner may glimpse how beautiful we are — fragile but shimmering. Then, with understanding, our partners may join us in being dream catchers, rather than dream shredders.”

“The greatest gift a couple can give their baby is a loving relationship, because that relationship nourishes Baby’s development.”

“Alice in Wonderland doesn’t look back and doesn’t question the adventure she’s chosen. That’s commitment.”

“Create a plan together to minimize hurt feelings and avoid an incident in the future.”

“Great relationships — the masters — are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other. Relationships don’t last without talk, even for the strong and silent type.”

“Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming. The goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.”

“If my wife is in pain, my world stops so I can listen to her. In a committed relationship, you will both stop the world to try to understand and ease each other’s pain. This is partly why we get married, and this is partly why we love. We need each other and we need to be needed by each other. True commitment is choosing each other over and over again,”

“Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.”

“Most couples don’t get any training in relationships, and often they don’t learn how to communicate with each other until they go to therapy, and that’s often too late.”

“Of all the people in the world, what led you to decide that this was the person you wanted to marry (or commit to)? Was it an easy decision or a difficult decision? What was it like to fall in love?”

“Our partners don’t always have to think like we think. That’s what makes life interesting — it would be boring to be married to yourself. In fact, that’s called being single.”

“Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.”

“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”

“Taking responsibility — even for a small part of the problem in communication — presents the opportunity for great repair.”

“The early part of a relationship, besides the fun and infatuation, is about establishing trust and a shared future.”

“You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting.”

“A father is someone who works hard, who isn’t around much, who criticizes more than he compliments, who doesn’t show affection or any other emotion except anger — no longer applies,”

“I call the parents who get involved with their children’s feelings 'Emotion Coaches'. Much like athletic coaches, they teach their children strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs. They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them.

Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.”

“When a child has that strong emotional connection with a parent, the parent’s upset, disappointment, or anger creates enough pain in the child to become a disciplinary event in itself.”