John Gottman Quotes

“Admit when you're wrong. Shut up when you're right.”

“Approximately 40 percent of the time, when a woman brings up an issue, men have no clue what she is talking about.”

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”

“The critical dimension in understanding whether a marriage will work or not, becomes the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.”

“There are many marital therapists who have high expectations for what is possible in a marriage. I am not opposed to such views, but I personally take a different one. I am a 'plumber'. I have often described my goal as fostering the 'good enough marriage'.

I am likely to think a marriage is good enough if the two spouses choose to have coffee and pastries on a Saturday afternoon and really enjoy the conversation, even if they don't heal each other's childhood wounds, or don't always have wall-socket, mind-blowing, skyrocket sex.”

“Trust is built in very small moments, which I call 'sliding door' moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. One such moment is not important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship – very gradually, very slowly.”

“We move in response to our conversation partner’s face, and our brain also fires as we move those muscles and stirs the passions. Paralyzing the face is idiotic.”

“We’re not suggesting you be overly contrived about this and don’t want you to be flipping your hair back if she’s flipping hers. Just pay attention to her words and her body language, and you’ll start getting the social bonding going.”

“What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple.
Happily married couple aren't smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couple have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what i call an emotionally intelligent marriage.”

“You live longer if you are married or have a long-term partner. She lives longer if she has female friends. You live longer if she lives longer. Encourage her female friendships.”