Lenny Bruce Quotes

“A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.”

“All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.”

“Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days.”

“Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.”

“Communism is like one big phone company.”

“Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.”

“Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.”

“I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.”

“I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual.”

“I was not born in a vacuum. Every thought I have belongs to someone else.”

“I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.”

“I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.”

“I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.”

“If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.”

“If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.”

“If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission”

“If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.”

“If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.”

“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

“It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.”

“Liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.”

“Life is a four-letter word.”

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”

“Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.”

“Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government'.”

“The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.”

“The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.”

“The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.”

“The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it. Try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.”

“The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.”

“The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.”

“There are never enough 'I love you's'.”

“There is nothing sadder than an aging hipster.”

“When you're eight years old nothing is your business.”

“You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person – you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.”

“I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without special pleading. The reason I don't smoke it is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations-and I've got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.”

“Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will some day become Congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.”

“Now, if the bedroom is dirty to you, then you are a true atheist, because if you have any of the mores, superstitions, if anyone in this audience believes that God made his body, and you body is dirty, the fault lies with the manufacturer. It's that cold, Jim, yeah.”

“There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.”