Lenny Bruce Quotes

Who the Hell is Lenny Bruce?

Lenny Bruce is the stage name of American stand-up comedian Leonard Alfred Schneider.

Bruce was a close friend of fellow comedians Joe Ancis and Rodney Dangerfield.

Born October 13, 1925
Died August 03, 1966

Books by Lenny Bruce


Best 39 Quotes by Lenny Bruce

“A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.”

Lenny Bruce

“All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.”

Lenny Bruce

“Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days.”

Lenny Bruce

“Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.”

Lenny Bruce

“Communism is like one big phone company.”

Lenny Bruce

“Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.”

Lenny Bruce

“Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.”

Lenny Bruce

“I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.”

Lenny Bruce

“I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual.”

Lenny Bruce

“I was not born in a vacuum. Every thought I have belongs to someone else.”

Lenny Bruce

“I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.”

Lenny Bruce

“I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.”

Lenny Bruce

“I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.”

Lenny Bruce

“If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.”

Lenny Bruce

“If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.”

Lenny Bruce

“If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission”

Lenny Bruce

“If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.”

Lenny Bruce

“If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.”

Lenny Bruce

“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

Lenny Bruce

“It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.”

Lenny Bruce

“Liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.”

Lenny Bruce

Products by Lenny Bruce

“Life is a four-letter word.”

Lenny Bruce

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”

Lenny Bruce

“Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.”

Lenny Bruce

“Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government'.”

Lenny Bruce

“The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.”

Lenny Bruce

“The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.”

Lenny Bruce

“The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.”

Lenny Bruce

“The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it. Try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.”

Lenny Bruce

“The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.”

Lenny Bruce

“The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.”

Lenny Bruce

“There are never enough 'I love you's'.”

Lenny Bruce

“There is nothing sadder than an aging hipster.”

Lenny Bruce

“When you're eight years old nothing is your business.”

Lenny Bruce

“You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person – you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.”

Lenny Bruce

How to Talk Dirty and Influence People Quotes

“I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without special pleading. The reason I don't smoke it is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations-and I've got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.”

Lenny Bruce
How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

“Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will some day become Congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.”

Lenny Bruce
How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

“Now, if the bedroom is dirty to you, then you are a true atheist, because if you have any of the mores, superstitions, if anyone in this audience believes that God made his body, and you body is dirty, the fault lies with the manufacturer. It's that cold, Jim, yeah.”

Lenny Bruce
How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

“There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.”

Lenny Bruce
How to Talk Dirty and Influence People