Louis C. K. Quotes

“A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.”

“As humans, we waste the sh*t out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like 'awesome' and 'wonderful' like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word 'amazing' to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted 'amazing' on a f*cking sandwich.”

“Be a dad. Don’t be 'Mom’s Assistant', be a man. Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can’t dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on. Spend time with your kids. It won’t take away your manhood, it will give it to you.”

“Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.”

“Everything is amazing right now and nobody’s happy. Like, in my lifetime the changes in the world have been incredible. Flying is the worst because people come back from flights and they tell you a horror story. They’re like: 'It was the worst day of my life. First of all, we didn’t board for twenty minutes, and then we get on the plane and they made us sit there on the runway' Oh really, what happened next? Did you fly through the air incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?! You’re flying! It’s amazing! Everybody on every plane should just constantly be going: 'Oh my God! Wow!' You’re flying! You’re sitting in a chair, in the sky!”

“Everything is funny except your death but other people will laugh.”

“I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.”

“I don't like comedy. I like funny things.”

“I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.”

“I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.”

“I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.”

“I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of 'em... I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little 'believies'; they make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, I f*cking do that.”

“I like all ladies of all different ages.”

“I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?”

“I love being white. Seriously, I really do. If you're not white, your missing out. 'Cuz this sh*t is thoroughly good. Let me clear this up by the way: I'm not saying white people are better. I'm saying that being white is clearly better. Who could even argue? If it was an option I would re-up every year! 'Oh yeah, I'll take white again. Absolutely.' Here's how great it is to be white: if I would have a time machine I could go to any time and it would be awesome when I get there! That is exclusively a white privilege! Black people can't f*ck with time machines!”

“I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money'. It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.”

“I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.”

“I thought about going to NYU film school – that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.”

“I was watching Rocky with a friend of mine. And there's all these scenes of him sitting on this dirty mattress, alone – this guy is so alone, it's beautiful how alone he is. Nobody's alone like that anymore. Nobody.”

“I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.”

“I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.”

“I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.”

“I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.”

“I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.”

“I’m bored, is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say 'I’m bored'.”

“If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.”

“If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.”

“It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.”

“It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.”

“Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.”