Who the heck is Mark Twain?

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and then success is sure.”

“Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

“Comparison is the death of joy.”

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”

“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds, on the heel that has crushed it.”

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”

“Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”

“Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”

“History doesn’t repeat, but it rhymes.”

“How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.”

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.”

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places.”

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

“If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.”

“If work were so pleasant, the rich would keep it for themselves.”

“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

“Independence is loyalty to one’s best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes.”

“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”

“Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.”

“Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”

“Necessity is the mother of taking chances.”

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

“Never learn to do anything: if you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you.”

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.”

“October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.”

“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”

“Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’ ”

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

“The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.”

“The more you explain it, the more I don’t understand it.”

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

“There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.”

“Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.”

“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.”

“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”

“Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.”

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again—and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”

“When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.”

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”