Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

“Always do whatever's next.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“I got a parrot. The parrot talked but it did not say "I'm hungry."

So it died.”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”