Mitch Hedberg Quotes Page 2

“I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.”

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.”

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.”

“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.”

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

“If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.”

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?”