Mitch Hedberg Quotes Page 3

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.”

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”

“Religion is just mind control.”

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

“The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.”

“The status quo sucks.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves: You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”

“When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day', I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”

“You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people came to my show.”

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”