Oliver Markus Malloy Quotes

Who is Oliver Markus Malloy?

Oliver Markus Malloy is a witty German-American author.

Books by Oliver Markus Malloy


Best 92 Quotes by Oliver Markus Malloy | Page 1 of 4

Bad Choices Make Good Stories Quotes

“Nobody has ever killed themselves over a broken arm. But every day, thousands of people kill themselves because of a broken heart. Why? Because emotional pain hurts much worse than physical pain.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Bad Choices Make Good Stories

Inside The Mind of an Introvert Quotes

“Anyone who hates gay people spends way too much time imagining what gay people do in their bedroom. Mind your own fucking business you weirdos.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Apparently Trump voters think God meant for marriage to be between a man, his third wife, and several porn stars.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Being self-employed means you work 12 hours a day for yourself so you don't have to work 8 hours a day for someone else.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Capitalism is cruelty for money.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Christians believe if you love God you go to heaven. If you don't go to heaven, you go to hell. So, if you don't love God, you go to hell. God created everything, including heaven and hell. So he created a torture chamber, in case you don't love him back.

Crazy.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Christians believe that God loves you sooo much he created hell, just in case you don't love him back.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

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“Daily mass killings are a uniquely American problem, because in America every halfwit can get his hands on a gun. You know what angry halfwits do in other countries? They throw potatoes.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Dear millennials: Youth is fleeting. Stupid is forever.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Dear Trumptards, so how are you enjoying the beginning of World War 3 so far? Is it all you hoped it would be?”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Democrats care about what's fair and true. Republicans only care about winning, no matter how much they have to lie and cheat.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Did you ever think one day you'd live through a global pandemic, with a doomsday virus, and the Joker is president? Sounds like a bad made-for-TV scifi movie.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Every time a dog humps your leg, you're being raped. #metoo”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

Products by Oliver Markus Malloy

“Every time a young girl gets raped, it's proof that there is no God. What kind of a God would just twiddle his thumbs and watch, while his daughter gets raped?”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Everyone thinks they are above average, which is statistically impossible. There have to be below average writers. But nobody sees themselves that way. That means there are a whole lot of bad writers out there, who don't even know it.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

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“Natives dislike speed, as we dislike noise, it is to them, at the best, hard to bear. They are also on friendly terms with time, and the plan of beguiling or killing it does not come into their heads. In fact the more time you can give them, the happier they are, and if you commission a Kikuyu to hold your horse while you make a visit, you can see by his face that he hopes you will be a long, long time about it. He does not try to pass the time then, but sits down and lives.”

Out of Africa


More quotes by Karen Blixen

“Evil doesn't actually exist. It's just an abstract concept we use to describe shitty behavior. It's an idea, a concept, a thought, not a thing.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Fun Fact: You know who invented the term Fake News? Not Trump. It was Hitler. Look it up. Hitler loved to describe any newspaper that exposed him for what he was as Lügenpresse, which is German for Fake News.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Guns don't kill people. Gun owners kill people.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“Guns make losers feel like winners. That's why people who suck at life don't want to give up their guns.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“How come there's no commandment that says 'Thou shalt not rape'? Did God ask Mary for consent before he put a baby in her? Or was God Christianity's first rapist?”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“I bet the people living in the timeline where Hillary is president are laughing at us. They’re probably sipping lattes and giggling: 'Imagine if Trump had won! Can you even imagine what that clusterfuck would look like?' But even in their wildest dreams they wouldn’t come up with the unimaginable clusterfuck that our timeline is.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“I bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like: 'Damn, that name is way cooler.'”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“I wanna see Trump tell people it's 'just the flu' while wearing a face mask. I just wanna see him wear a mask while he tells us it's nothing to worry about.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“If 'Fifty Shades' is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“If abortion is murder then blowjobs are cannibalism.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“If aliens wanted to exterminate us, they wouldn't send a fleet of spaceships or a Deathstar. They'd just send one guy with a deadly virus.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“If God created man in his image, does God have a functioning penis? And does God manually handle every penis he creates? Or does he outsource the job to penis-manufacturing elves?”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

Products by Oliver Markus Malloy

“If Hollywood was a Republican town, Weinstein would still be president, and he'd still be molesting women.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

“If Jesus came back today, Republicans would stop him at the border.”

Oliver Markus Malloy
Inside The Mind of an Introvert

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“It's about not rewarding your children with food, not always celebrating with food. I do think it's important to find other ways to comfort our children and ourselves, to work other ways of celebrating and rewarding.”


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