Oliver Markus Malloy Quotes
Best 92 Quotes by Oliver Markus Malloy – Page 1 of 4
Bad Choices Make Good Stories Quotes
“Nobody has ever killed themselves over a broken arm. But every day, thousands of people kill themselves because of a broken heart. Why? Because emotional pain hurts much worse than physical pain.”
Inside The Mind of an Introvert Quotes
“Anyone who hates gay people spends way too much time imagining what gay people do in their bedroom. Mind your own f*cking business you weirdos.”
“Apparently Trump voters think God meant for marriage to be between a man, his third wife, and several p*rn stars.”
“Being self-employed means you work 12 hours a day for yourself so you don't have to work 8 hours a day for someone else.”
“Capitalism is cruelty for money.”
“Christians believe if you love God you go to heaven. If you don't go to heaven, you go to hell. So, if you don't love God, you go to hell. God created everything, including heaven and hell. So he created a torture chamber, in case you don't love him back.
Crazy.”
“Christians believe that God loves you sooo much he created hell, just in case you don't love him back.”
“Daily mass killings are a uniquely American problem, because in America every halfwit can get his hands on a gun. You know what angry halfwits do in other countries? They throw potatoes.”
“Dear millennials: Youth is fleeting. Stupid is forever.”
“Dear Trumptards, so how are you enjoying the beginning of World War 3 so far? Is it all you hoped it would be?”
“Democrats care about what's fair and true. Republicans only care about winning, no matter how much they have to lie and cheat.”
“Did you ever think one day you'd live through a global pandemic, with a doomsday virus, and the Joker is president? Sounds like a bad made-for-TV scifi movie.”
“Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?”
“Every time a dog humps your leg, you're being raped. #metoo”
“Every time a young girl gets raped, it's proof that there is no God. What kind of a God would just twiddle his thumbs and watch, while his daughter gets raped?”
“Everyone thinks they are above average, which is statistically impossible. There have to be below average writers. But nobody sees themselves that way. That means there are a whole lot of bad writers out there, who don't even know it.”
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“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise.
Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors.
It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
“Evil doesn't actually exist. It's just an abstract concept we use to describe shitty behavior. It's an idea, a concept, a thought, not a thing.”
“Fun Fact: You know who invented the term Fake News? Not Trump. It was Hitler. Look it up. Hitler loved to describe any newspaper that exposed him for what he was as Lügenpresse, which is German for Fake News.”
“Guns don't kill people. Gun owners kill people.”
“Guns make losers feel like winners. That's why people who suck at life don't want to give up their guns.”
“How come there's no commandment that says 'Thou shalt not rape'? Did God ask Mary for consent before he put a baby in her? Or was God Christianity's first rapist?”
“I bet the people living in the timeline where Hillary is president are laughing at us. They’re probably sipping lattes and giggling: 'Imagine if Trump had won! Can you even imagine what that clusterf*ck would look like?' But even in their wildest dreams they wouldn’t come up with the unimaginable clusterf*ck that our timeline is.”
“I bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like: 'Damn, that name is way cooler.'”
“I wanna see Trump tell people it's 'just the flu' while wearing a face mask. I just wanna see him wear a mask while he tells us it's nothing to worry about.”
“If 'Fifty Shades' is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is.”
“If abortion is murder then bl*wjobs are cannibalism.”
“If aliens wanted to exterminate us, they wouldn't send a fleet of spaceships or a Deathstar. They'd just send one guy with a deadly virus.”
“If God created man in his image, does God have a functioning pen*s? And does God manually handle every pen*s he creates? Or does he outsource the job to pen*s-manufacturing elves?”
“If Hollywood was a Republican town, Weinstein would still be president, and he'd still be molesting women.”
“If Jesus came back today, Republicans would stop him at the border.”
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“Just because something bears the aspect of the inevitable one should not, therefore, go along willingly with it.”
