P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”

“A nation with a goofy foreign policy needs a very serious policy of defense.”

“A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.”

“Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”

“Bachelorhood, like being alive, is more depressing than anything but the known alternative.”

“Drugs have taught an entire generation of English kids the metric system.”

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”

“Everyone wants to save the earth. No one wants to help Mom dry the dishes.”

“Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”

“Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.”

“Government is to life what pantyhose are to sex.”

“How often does a house need to be cleaned anyway? Just once every girlfriend. After that she can get to know the real you.”

“Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies who like to eat theirs.”

“I can understand why mankind hasn’t given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners – two things that are usually frowned on during peacetime.”

“I have often been called a Nazi, and, although it is unfair, I don’t let it bother me. I don’t let it bother me for one simple reason. No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.”

“It’s better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.”

“Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there.”

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

“Politicians are interested in people in the same way that dogs are interested in fleas.”

“The average IQ in America is – and this can be proven mathematically – average.”

“The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in your social schedule.”

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes 380SL convertible.”

“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”

“This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”

“We’re told cars are dangerous. It’s safer to drive through South Central Los Angeles than to walk there. We’re told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the ground for millions of years. We’re told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But it’s hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald’s from a speeding train. And we’re told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?”

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”

“You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”