Rita Rudner Quotes

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

“Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed – because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.”

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

“Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.”

“I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.”

“I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.”

“I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.”

“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

“I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.”

“I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.”

“I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.”

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.”

“I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.”

“I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.”

“I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry – worrying takes a lot of energy.”

“I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.”

“I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!”

“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

“I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.”

“I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.”

“I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.”

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.”

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”

“I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”