Who the hell is Robert Orben?

“A compliment is verbal sunshine.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

“A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.”

“A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.”

“An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.”

“Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?”

“Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.”

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

“Do your kids a favor - don't have any.”

“Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road to the grave – but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.”

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”

“For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.”

“Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.”

“Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!”

“Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.”

“Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.”

“I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.”

“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”

“I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it – after all, they’ve already given us tasteless bread.”

“I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.”

“If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.”

“If those scientists are all so smart, why do they all count backwards?”

“If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

“Individuality is the key to success.”

“Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.”

“It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.”

“It’s amazing how important your job is when you want the day off – and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.”

“Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.”

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!”

“Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”

“Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.”

“New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn’t for muggings there wouldn’t be any contact at all!”

“Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.”

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“Quit worrying about your health. It’ll go away.”

“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.”

“Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.”

“Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'”

“Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.”

“The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.”

“The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.”

“The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they’d tip.”

“The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.”

“There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.”

“There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.”

“These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.”

“They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.”

“They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.”

“Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.”

“To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

“Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.”

“Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.”

“We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.”

“What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.”

“What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?”

“When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.”