Robert Orben Quotes

“A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.”

“Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road to the grave – but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.”

“A compliment is verbal sunshine.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

“A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.”

“An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.”

“Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?”

“Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.”

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

“Do your kids a favor - don't have any.”

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”

“For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.”

“Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.”

“Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!”

“Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.”

“Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.”

“I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.”

“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”

“I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it – after all, they’ve already given us tasteless bread.”

“I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.”

“If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.”

“If those scientists are all so smart, why do they all count backwards?”

“If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

“Individuality is the key to success.”

“Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.”

“It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.”

“It’s amazing how important your job is when you want the day off – and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.”

“Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.”

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!”