Who is Robert Orben?

American comedy writer and speechwriter for Vice President Gerald Ford.

Books by Robert Orben

Quotes by Robert Orben

“A compliment is verbal sunshine.”

Robert Orben

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

Robert Orben

“A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.”

Robert Orben

“A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.”

Robert Orben

“An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.”

Robert Orben

“Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?”

Robert Orben

“Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.”

Robert Orben

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

Robert Orben

“Do your kids a favor - don't have any.”

Robert Orben

“Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road to the grave – but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.”

Robert Orben

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”

Robert Orben

“For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.”

Robert Orben

“Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.”

Robert Orben

“Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!”

Robert Orben

“Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.”

Robert Orben

“Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.”

Robert Orben

“I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.”

Robert Orben

“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”

Robert Orben

“I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it – after all, they’ve already given us tasteless bread.”

Robert Orben

“I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.”

Robert Orben

“If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.”

Robert Orben

“If those scientists are all so smart, why do they all count backwards?”

Robert Orben

“If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

Robert Orben

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

Robert Orben

“Individuality is the key to success.”

Robert Orben

“Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.”

Robert Orben

“It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.”

Robert Orben

“It’s amazing how important your job is when you want the day off – and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.”

Robert Orben

“Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.”

Robert Orben

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!”

Robert Orben

“Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”

Robert Orben

“Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.”

Robert Orben

“New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn’t for muggings there wouldn’t be any contact at all!”

Robert Orben

“Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.”

Robert Orben

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

Robert Orben

“Quit worrying about your health. It’ll go away.”

Robert Orben

“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”

Robert Orben

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.”

Robert Orben

“Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.”

Robert Orben

“Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'”

Robert Orben

“Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.”

Robert Orben

“The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.”

Robert Orben

“The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.”

Robert Orben

“The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they’d tip.”

Robert Orben

“The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.”

Robert Orben

“There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.”

Robert Orben

“There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.”

Robert Orben

“These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.”

Robert Orben

“They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.”

Robert Orben

“They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.”

Robert Orben

“Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.”

Robert Orben

“To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

Robert Orben

“Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.”

Robert Orben

“Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.”

Robert Orben

“We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.”

Robert Orben

“What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.”

Robert Orben

“What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?”

Robert Orben

“When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.”

Robert Orben