Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I don't get no respect!”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“I played hide and seek; they wouldn’t even look for me.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“I'm so ugly, my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”

“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said. Look, twins!”