Who the hell is Steven Wright?

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

“Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.”

“Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“First time I read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

“Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.”

“How do the men who drive the snowplow get to work in the morning?”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“I broke a mirror in my house, which is supposed to be seven years of bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it?”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.”

“I mix my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody.”

“I once built a ship in a bottle. They had to break the bottle to let me out.”

“I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

“I was a caesarean birth, but you can’t really tell, except that every time I leave the house I go out the window.”

“I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Sure, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

“I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?”

“If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still a joke?”

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”

“It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“My uncle was a circus clown, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“What’s another word for thesaurus?”

“When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s five dollars a minute.”

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”