Steven Wright Quotes

Books by Steven Wright


Best 111 Quotes by Steven Wright – Page 1 of 4

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

“82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

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“All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.”

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say: What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!”

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

“Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

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“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

“Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”

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“I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.”

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“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“First time I read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

“Half the people you know are below average.”

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

“Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.”

“How do the men who drive the snowplow get to work in the morning?”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.”

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“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”

“I broke a mirror in my house, which is supposed to be seven years of bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

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“While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.”

More quotes by Andy Kaufman