Who the hell is Steven Wright?

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian known for his deadpan humor.

Books by Steven Wright

Quotes by Steven Wright

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

Steven Wright

“Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.”

Steven Wright

“Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”

Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

Steven Wright

“First time I read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.”

Steven Wright

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

Steven Wright

“Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.”

Steven Wright

“How do the men who drive the snowplow get to work in the morning?”

Steven Wright

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

Steven Wright

“I broke a mirror in my house, which is supposed to be seven years of bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

Steven Wright

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Steven Wright

“I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it?”

Steven Wright

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

Steven Wright

“I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.”

Steven Wright

“I mix my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody.”

Steven Wright

“I once built a ship in a bottle. They had to break the bottle to let me out.”

Steven Wright

“I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

Steven Wright

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

Steven Wright

“I was a caesarean birth, but you can’t really tell, except that every time I leave the house I go out the window.”

Steven Wright

“I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Sure, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Steven Wright

“I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

Steven Wright

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

Steven Wright

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

Steven Wright

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

Steven Wright

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

Steven Wright

“If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.”

Steven Wright

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

Steven Wright

“If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?”

Steven Wright

“If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still a joke?”

Steven Wright

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

Steven Wright

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”

Steven Wright

“It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there.”

Steven Wright

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

Steven Wright

“My uncle was a circus clown, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

Steven Wright

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

Steven Wright

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

Steven Wright

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

Steven Wright

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

Steven Wright

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

Steven Wright

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

Steven Wright

“What’s another word for thesaurus?”

Steven Wright

“When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s five dollars a minute.”

Steven Wright

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

Steven Wright

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

Steven Wright

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

Steven Wright