Steven Wright Quotes Page 2

“I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it?”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.”

“I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.”

“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.”

“I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.”

“I mix my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody.”

“I once built a ship in a bottle. They had to break the bottle to let me out.”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.”

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.”

“I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

“I was a caesarean birth, but you can’t really tell, except that every time I leave the house I go out the window.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Sure, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row'.”

“I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

“I'm addicted to placebos.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”