Steven Wright Quotes Page 3
Best 111 Quotes by Steven Wright – Page 3 of 4
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
“If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.”
“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
“If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?”
“If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still a joke?”
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
“If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.”
“It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.”
“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”
You Might Like
“Silence means the audience are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.”
“It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”
“It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there.”
“My mechanic told me: I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
“My uncle was a circus clown, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
“OK, so what's the speed of dark?”
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.”
“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat'.”
“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”
You Might Like
“Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls. Do they blow themselves up?”
