Who on Earth is Stewart Francis?

“And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”

“I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, after all they've made their choice.”

“I married way too young… She was Chinese.”

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

“I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.”

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.”

“I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.”

“I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.”

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye West.”

“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.”

“My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.”

“My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!”

“Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.”

“People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!”

“Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.”

“So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? … it’s not the end of the world.”

“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... Then it hit me.”

“There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.”

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”