Stewart Francis Quotes

“At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.”

“Did I already do my déjà vu joke?”

“Even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”

“Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?”

“Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?”

“I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.”

“I have a girlfriend! I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for… sex!”

“I like what mechanics wear, overall.”

“I manufactured clown shoes… no small feat.”

“I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.”

“I ran a sculpting studio, until it went bust.”

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.”

“I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.”

“I was a trampoline salesman… it had its ups and downs.”

“I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.”

“I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

“I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

“I'm a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.”

“I'm not much of a storyteller… Interesting how that all started.”

“Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.”

“My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs. How do I know? Let’s just say, a little bird told me.”

“My girlfriend says that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.”

“My teacher said I’d do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.”

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.”

“My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.”

“People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.”

“Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.”

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

“Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment; probably turning in his grave.”

“There’s a fine line between hyphenated words…”

“I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, after all they've made their choice.”

“I married way too young… She was Chinese.”

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

“I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.”

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye West.”

“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.”

“My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.”

“My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!”

“Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.”

“People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!”

“Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.”

“So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? … it’s not the end of the world.”

“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... Then it hit me.”

“There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.”

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”