Stewart Francis Quotes

Who the Heck is Stewart Francis?

Stewart Francis is a Canadian stand-up comedian known for his deadpan one-liners.

Born January 01, 1959

Books by Stewart Francis


Best 45 Quotes by Stewart Francis

“At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.”

Stewart Francis

“Did I already do my déjà vu joke?”

Stewart Francis

“Even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”

Stewart Francis

“Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?”

Stewart Francis

“Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?”

Stewart Francis

“I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.”

Stewart Francis

“I have a girlfriend! I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for… sex!”

Stewart Francis

“I like what mechanics wear, overall.”

Stewart Francis

“I manufactured clown shoes… no small feat.”

Stewart Francis

“I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.”

Stewart Francis

“I ran a sculpting studio, until it went bust.”

Stewart Francis

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.”

Stewart Francis

“I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.”

Stewart Francis

“I was a trampoline salesman… it had its ups and downs.”

Stewart Francis

“I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.”

Stewart Francis

“I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

Stewart Francis

“I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

Stewart Francis

“I'm a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.”

Stewart Francis

“I'm not much of a storyteller… Interesting how that all started.”

Stewart Francis

“Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.”

Stewart Francis

“My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs. How do I know? Let’s just say, a little bird told me.”

Stewart Francis

Products by Stewart Francis

“My girlfriend says that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.”

Stewart Francis

“My teacher said I’d do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.”

Stewart Francis

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.”

Stewart Francis

“My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.”

Stewart Francis

“People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.”

Stewart Francis

“Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.”

Stewart Francis

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

Stewart Francis

“Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment; probably turning in his grave.”

Stewart Francis

“There’s a fine line between hyphenated words…”

Stewart Francis

“I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, after all they've made their choice.”

Stewart Francis

“I married way too young… She was Chinese.”

Stewart Francis

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

Stewart Francis

“I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.”

Stewart Francis

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye West.”

Stewart Francis

“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.”

Stewart Francis

“My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.”

Stewart Francis

“My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!”

Stewart Francis

“Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.”

Stewart Francis

“People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!”

Stewart Francis

“Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.”

Stewart Francis

“So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? … it’s not the end of the world.”

Stewart Francis

Products by Stewart Francis

“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... Then it hit me.”

Stewart Francis

“There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.”

Stewart Francis

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

Stewart Francis