Stewart Francis Quotes

Who is Stewart Francis?

Stewart Francis is a Canadian stand-up comedian known for his deadpan one-liners.

Francis has headlined all over North America and the United Kingdom at the height of his career and supported on his tour.

Born January 01, 1959

Books by Stewart Francis


Best 80 Quotes by Stewart Francis | Page 1 of 3

“A badly timed high five is a real slap in the face.”

Stewart Francis

“Anyone who accuses me of stealing other comedians' jokes can kiss my black ass, okay.”

Stewart Francis

“At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.”

Stewart Francis

“But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded people?”

Stewart Francis

“Canada has the fewest number of pretentious people to speak Latin than anywhere else in the world. Per capita!

I'm talking Saskatchewan, Manitoba, etcetera, etcetera, ...”

Stewart Francis

“Cops raided my costume party last night. I was a sitting duck.”

Stewart Francis

“Did I already do my déjà vu joke?”

Stewart Francis

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“Did I already tell you my Alzheimer’s joke?”

Stewart Francis

“Do I need Viagra? Hard no.”

Stewart Francis

“Even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”

Stewart Francis

“Ever taken a shit so big you needed a midwife?”

Stewart Francis

“Fat people block the pavement. There's no getting around it.”

Stewart Francis

“Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?”

Stewart Francis

“Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?”

Stewart Francis

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“I don't know how you guys got here tonight but I squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward. That's how I roll. ”

Stewart Francis

“I don't know what went wrong with me and my last girlfriend, or Tubby... as I called her.

For some reason she had a low self esteem. And saggy tits... as I called her.”

Stewart Francis

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“You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people came to my show.”


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“I don't think I got the job at Microsoft... They haven't responded to my telegram.”

Stewart Francis

“I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.”

Stewart Francis

“I have a girlfriend! I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for… sex!”

Stewart Francis

“I like what mechanics wear, overall.”

Stewart Francis

“I love blind dates 'cause you can stare at their tits.”

Stewart Francis

“I love to go to bookstore and say to the clerk: Hello, I'm looking for a book titled 'How to Deal With Rejection Without Killing'... Do you have it?”

Stewart Francis

“I manufactured clown shoes… no small feat.”

Stewart Francis

“I once dated conjoined twins back to back.”

Stewart Francis

“I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.”

Stewart Francis

“I ran a sculpting studio, until it went bust.”

Stewart Francis

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.”

Stewart Francis

“I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.”

Stewart Francis

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“I wanna write a mystery novel... Or do I? ”

Stewart Francis

“I was a trampoline salesman… it had its ups and downs.”

Stewart Francis

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“For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African. They eat pennies.”


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