Stewart Francis Quotes


Best 80 Quotes by Stewart Francis – Page 1 of 3

“A badly timed high five is a real slap in the face.”

“Anyone who accuses me of stealing other comedians' jokes can kiss my black ass, okay.”

“At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.”

“But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded people?”

“Canada has the fewest number of pretentious people to speak Latin than anywhere else in the world. Per capita!

I'm talking Saskatchewan, Manitoba, etcetera, etcetera, ...”

“Cops raided my costume party last night. I was a sitting duck.”

“Did I already do my déjà vu joke?”

“Did I already tell you my Alzheimer’s joke?”

“Do I need Viagra? Hard no.”

“Even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”

“Ever taken a shit so big you needed a midwife?”

“Fat people block the pavement. There's no getting around it.”

“Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?”

“Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?”

“I don't know how you guys got here tonight but I squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward. That's how I roll. ”

“I don't know what went wrong with me and my last girlfriend, or Tubby... as I called her.

For some reason she had a low self esteem. And saggy t*ts... as I called her.”

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“I don't think I got the job at Microsoft... They haven't responded to my telegram.”

“I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use d*ldos, after all they've made their choice.”

“I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.”

“I have a girlfriend! I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for… sex!”

“I like what mechanics wear, overall.”

“I love blind dates 'cause you can stare at their t*ts.”

“I love to go to bookstore and say to the clerk: Hello, I'm looking for a book titled 'How to Deal With Rejection Without Killing'... Do you have it?”

“I manufactured clown shoes… no small feat.”

“I married way too young… She was Chinese.”

“I once dated conjoined twins back to back.”

“I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.”

“I ran a sculpting studio, until it went bust.”

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

“I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.”

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“Jokes are strange things. If you sing a song and nobody likes it then it’s still a song. If you put on a play and everyone walks out in disgust then it’s still a play. But if you tell a joke and nobody laughs then it’s just a sentence.”

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