Stewart Francis quotes

Who on Earth is Stewart Francis?

Canadian stand-up comedian known for his one-liners.

Stewart Francis quotes

“And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”

Stewart Francis

“I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, after all they've made their choice.”

Stewart Francis

“I married way too young… She was Chinese.”

Stewart Francis

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

Stewart Francis

“I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.”

Stewart Francis

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.”

Stewart Francis

“I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.”

Stewart Francis

“I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.”

Stewart Francis

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye West.”

Stewart Francis

“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.”

Stewart Francis

“My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.”

Stewart Francis

“My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!”

Stewart Francis

“Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.”

Stewart Francis

“People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!”

Stewart Francis

“Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.”

Stewart Francis

“So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? … it’s not the end of the world.”

Stewart Francis

“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... Then it hit me.”

Stewart Francis

“There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.”

Stewart Francis

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

Stewart Francis