Stewart Francis Quotes Page 2

Books by Stewart Francis


Best 56 Quotes by Stewart Francis | Page 2 of 2

“My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.”

Stewart Francis

“My wife derives so much pleasure in looking at my crotch. It's the little things.”

Stewart Francis

“People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.”

Stewart Francis

“Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.”

Stewart Francis

“Scientists believe UFO's will visit earth seeking out well endowed, handsome men, hang on, there's someone at my door...”

Stewart Francis

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

Stewart Francis

“Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment; probably turning in his grave.”

Stewart Francis

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“There's a TV show called 'Naked and Afraid'. Sounds like me on my honeymoon.”

Stewart Francis

“There’s a fine line between hyphenated words…”

Stewart Francis

“Today's circumcisions have been cancelled due to unforeskin circumstances.”

Stewart Francis

“Will I ever do an abacus pun? You can count on it.”

Stewart Francis

“I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, after all they've made their choice.”

Stewart Francis

“I married way too young… She was Chinese.”

Stewart Francis

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

Stewart Francis

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“I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.”

Stewart Francis

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye West.”

Stewart Francis

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“I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?”


More quotes by Tommy Cooper

“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.”

Stewart Francis

“My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.”

Stewart Francis

“My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!”

Stewart Francis

“Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.”

Stewart Francis

“People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!”

Stewart Francis

“Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.”

Stewart Francis

“So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? … it’s not the end of the world.”

Stewart Francis

“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... Then it hit me.”

Stewart Francis

“There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.”

Stewart Francis

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

Stewart Francis