Stewart Francis Quotes Page 2


 
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Best 80 Quotes by Stewart Francis – Page 2 of 3

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.”

“I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.”

“I wanna write a mystery novel... Or do I? ”

“I was a trampoline salesman… it had its ups and downs.”

“I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.”

“I was horrible at school. I failed math so many times I can't even count.”

“I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

“I'm a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.”

“I'm getting old. Just last week I noticed I have a grey pubic hair.

But you know what, I was OK with that. I didn't freak out like the other people on the elevator.”

“I'm not ashamed of my wife. If you don't believe me, go to the car and ask her.”

“I'm not much of a storyteller… Interesting how that all started.”

“I've been called a hypochondriac, which really hurts.”

“I've had to close down my New York City souvenir stand. Shoplifters kept taking liberties.”

“I’m not a competitive person… I’ll be the first to admit it.”

“If ONE more person calls me blasphemous, I swear to God...”

“Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.”

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“They made hot dog buns so you don’t gotta put your lips on the wiener… My granddaddy taught me that.”


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“It's not always the right time to make my dermatologist laugh. I've got to pick my spots.”

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye West.”

“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.”

“My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs. How do I know? Let’s just say, a little bird told me.”

“My ex-girlfriend said we could work on my bladder problem together. I said: "There is no wee. Now piss off!”

“My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.”

“My girlfriend says that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.”

“My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!”

“My teacher said I’d do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.”

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.”

“My uncle just set a new world record by getting 27 pigeons to land on him. What a ledge! They should make a statue of that man.”

“My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.”

“My wife and I've decided we don't want children. If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.”

“My wife derives so much pleasure in looking at my crotch. It's the little things.”

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“With the Internet era and social media and politics being so out there with the lies, now you've got people denying things they're on camera doing, and then you've got people not really caring about the truth.

You've got people supporting people who've done horrific things, but just don't want the other side to get any satisfaction.”


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