Stewart Francis Quotes Page 3
Best 80 Quotes by Stewart Francis – Page 3 of 3
“My wife has an ass like J.Lo.
No... jello!”
“Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.”
“People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!”
“People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.”
“Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.”
“Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.”
“Scientists believe UFO's will visit earth seeking out well endowed, handsome men, hang on, there's someone at my door...”
“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”
“So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? … it’s not the end of the world.”
“Some of you are like: Hey you can't make fun of the blind!
Watch me.”
“Someone recently called me a shameless self-promotor. Me? Stewart Francis.”
“Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment; probably turning in his grave.”
“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... Then it hit me.”
“There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.”
“There's a TV show called 'Naked and Afraid'. Sounds like me on my honeymoon.”
“There’s a fine line between hyphenated words…”
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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
“Today's circumcisions have been cancelled due to unforeskin circumstances.”
“We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom. In fact, Passive-Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.”
“Will I ever do an abacus pun? You can count on it.”
“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
