Theo Von Quotes

“A bridge is just a road that’s brave as f*ck.”

“A hat is just like a tiny apartment for your head.”

“A plate is just a spread out cup.”

“A PT Cruiser is like a hearse for midgets.”

“A reindeer is just a gay moose.”

“Anything could happen when you're daydrinking.

Somebody could jerk you off in a truck. You jerk yourself off somewhere. It's daytime!

You know, it's like the wolves are out. It's almost like a full moon, but all day long.”

“Are mosquitoes like litty bitty birds?”

“As soon as I was tall enough, my dad used to let me drive him 60 miles or 70 miles to work. That was pretty fun.

My dad was really old. At the time, he was 82 years old. He said, 'Can you drive?' and I said 'Yes.' I guess I didn't find it to be that crazy.”

“Australian is British people that weren't doin good.”

“Bees are Satan's little German Shepherds.”

“Camping is like being briefly Amish.”

“Crutches are just 'polio chopsticks'.”

“Eat donuts. Get urgently cared for. Then go to heaven.”

“Howie Mandel is my favorite. He's so friendly, and he's a family man. For a lot of celebrities, to keep a genuineness about them, I think, can be tough, but he really seems to work hard to do that.”

“I could have been a dancer. I just never got my shot at it.”

“I didn't know all my friends were damn sex offenders, until Hollywood told me that they were.”

“I didn’t really eat much today. I had uhh.. two orange halves. So an orange I guess.”

“I don't know if I'm living sometimes or if I'm doing a to-do list.

And then I don't know whose to-do list it is sometimes.

I don't know if it's my own things that I wanna be doing. Is it things that I feel like people want me to be doing?

Like whose expectations am I living up to?”

“I don’t know. If I knew, I’d know, ya know?”

“I feel like I would be a good stalker... F*ck yeah, I'd watch your whole damn family eat dinner, boy!”

“I gained 2 pounds of muscle mass looking at Jocko Willink's Instagram.”

“I got booed off the stage one time. This was in a University in Florida. The students didn't know that I had to come back out 6 more times, because I was hosting the show. They just thought that I was a comedian opening the show.”

“I got the fingers of a pianist or somebody looking for something real small in a basket.”

“I had to defecate and that’s actually French for sh*t.”

“I have a rare body type. I have the rib cage of a large cat and the heart of a lesbian.”

“I sit face forward on a toilet with both my legs out in front of me like God intended.”

“I'll attack one of these guys for oil, bru. That's how American I am.”

“I've been watching softball. Like, dude, am I a lesbian?”

“I’m one day without vapin' and I wanna smoke a bowl of my own nut!”

“I’m sweatin' like a sneeze stuck in a thick b*tch.”