Theo Von Quotes Page 2

“If a Chinese flight crashed into a pineapple stand and everybody lived and started a community, that's Polynesian.”

“If God didn't want a women to cook he wouldn't have put milk and eggs in her body.”

“If I could have anything, I would probably get an old Ford F-150 from the '70s.”

“If it can be killed by a frisbee, it's not a dog.”

“If you ain't first, you're last.”

“If you do whippets and you get a brain freeze and you're wearing sandals, you can end up time traveling.”

“In Louisiana, you can drive when you're 15 – you could get your driving permit. I remember, during driver's ed, I fell asleep at the wheel one day. I was tired.

The guy shook me and switched and said he was getting into the driver's seat. I didn't fail, so I guess you can fall asleep occasionally. It's Louisiana.”

“Isn’t it nice that the sun doesn’t remember what you did yesterday? It just knows today's a new day.”

“It makes you wanna kick a fat kid at K-Mart.”

“It’s like that feeling when you punch a defenceless baby you know? Or is it taking candy from a baby? I can’t remember.

But I think punching one would feel a lot better than taking a piece of candy from it. Just like, the feeling of doing it.

Especially if that baby were to grow up to be like Hitler or something… Maybe punching him as a baby is what made him do all those things.

See this is why I wouldn’t be a good time traveler man; or don't understand that movie The Terminator.”

“Kites are just birds without wings.”

“L.K.A. bruh. Low key Asians. That's a thing.”

“Ladies, you don’t need no bra. Let the Lord hold your t*ts.”

“Life is a salad and the Lord is my vinaigrette.”

“My buddy got bit by a black widow. She was in her 40s.”

“My cousin got bit by a gay dude, so we'll see what happens.”

“My father was Nicaraguan. Where all my Nic-gars at?”

“My favorite weed was um... cocaine.”

“My idea of heaven; no emails.”

“My neighbour used to have a furcoat in the yard and dogs would come over and f*ck it.”

“New Jersey I’d say is one of the top 50 states.”

“Nobody's delivered more bad sex across America then your boy right here. I'll put that up against anyone.”

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

“Sometimes I wish my balls were square so I could stack em.”

“Spring is when winter gets kind of lazy.”

“Stephanie I think her name was, or Jessica, which is basically the same name. Can we shut one of those names down?”

“Talking with Jordan Peterson is like getting beat with a f*cking dictionary.”

“That's the thing about being alone. It's not that you feel like you don't have anybody. It's like you feel like nobody has you.”

“The ferret, the limousine of rodents.”

“There was a rumor in my town that I beat Down syndrome.”